Okay so on the other day I made my first real, big mistake.
This incident happened on my 9th day teaching. Like ever. I'm not certified because it's an alternative school which doesn't require that so all I have is my background degree in the subject I teach.
In a 5th grade class I was going over rules and expectations and was struggling with the class paying attention while I was talking. Around the middle of the period I said something like "don't be an asshole and talk while others are talking" and immediately regretted it. I apologized immediately, said I really shouldn't have said that, and please don't tell on me. The class moved on, I thought all was well.
About 30 minutes after class ended I was in the copy room and the principal and vice principal came in and asked if I had said "asshole" in class. I said I did, I knew how inappropriate that was, I regretted it right away, I didn't mean to, and I have been working on not swearing in my home life in preparation for being a teacher now. They asked if I had called a particular student an asshole and I said no, absolutely not. They asked me to call the parent of the student who had made the complete to the office and I did. She seemed fine and happy to hear from me before her child.
I leave work for the day.
I return the next morning to an email from the principal saying she's had many more parents calling in expressing concern over the swear word but more importantly upset over me asking them not to tattle on me. She says some other things about how it's never okay to ask kids to keep secrets and she will work on a communication to 5th grade about the incident.
I craft a thoughtful reply outlining, again, my deep apologies and regrets and willingness to work with admin and parents on corrections to the mistake and I offer to assist in the communication to the 5th grade class.
I hear nothing back all day.
Then, in the afternoon at their regular time, in comes my 5th graders, tailed by the principal and guidance councilor. Principal says "we are going to have a little restorative justice circle here" and I say okay (what can I say other than okay). She proceeds to go on a long talk about how everyone makes mistakes and how we've all heard our parents swear and how it is never ever okay for an adult to ask a kid to keep a secret and how sorry your teacher is for what happened and can we all move on together.
Meanwhile I'm standing next to the counselor trying not to completely dissociate from the serious stress of the conversation and the counselor tells me she's sorry she didn't know that was about to happen. The principal invites me in to say some things so I say sorry and I don't ever intent to make anyone uncomfortable and how glad I am the students have adults they feel comfortable going to when something happens they don't feel comfortable with and thank them for allowing me room to learn from my mistakes, etc.
Principal leaves without a word to me. Guidance counselor stays behind and asks if I need anything and she's sorry I wasn't prepped before the "restorative" ("" are my own mind, she didn't imply quotes) justice circle. I tell her I am going to vomit and she offers to watch the class if I need to walk around the park. I go cry in the staff bathroom for a few minutes. When I return she says the class is really difficult so no wonder I was driven to swear at them and what do I need as far as support in the conversation that happened in class. I tell her I really would appreciate some warning and time to mentally prepare before something like that again and that I didn't experience the circle as particularly restorative for that reason. She seems really sympathetic and agrees.
I start crying a little and say I really struggle with any interaction with authority and always think I am in trouble even when I'm not so that's a big reason I'd like more notice. She says she gets it and knows you cant expect people to act well under pressure without notice and that I did a great job and she's happy I work here.
The next day (Today), everything is going okay. Councilor comes by and says she was thinking more about it and thinks we need some more autonomy as teachers and parents shouldn't be able to push us around as much in the classroom. I agree but am not totally sure what she's on about. She says she did pass my feedback about notice on to leadership, I say thank you. I tell her how much I appreciated her support yesterday and kind words and affirmation and understanding and that it meant a lot to me.
In the afternoon I run into the principal. She says she wants to circle back. I tell her it was fine but notice would be great so I can be ready for the conversation. She says she gets that but was getting so many calls from parents who were angry and wanting to pull their students from class (she said she thought they needed to calm down about the pulling students from class thing) that she needed to get ahead of it. I said I got that and know that she needed to come in when I see that class but still would have liked time before hand to have a conversation about it. (In my mind I'm wondering why she couldn't have sent me an little email saying it would happen and what to expect at least). She says when she asked me about the swearing the asking students to keep a secret thing wasn't mentioned so she needed to deal with it quickly and seriously and that if anything like that happens again I should tell them to get ahead of it. I told her I totally got that but didn't know the secrets thing was even something I should flag as an issue.
We moved on to talking about other things and she left.
This is my super long story. I feel so so so insanely anxious and sick about all of this. I really am trying my best and don't mean harm. I feel under resourced and under qualified (even though I am technically qualified) and that people expect me to know things I don't know or even know I am supposed to know. I wept last night a few times and was verging on tears multiple times today. I feel like everyone in the halls knows, even though probably plenty of them don't. I feel like staff and admin hate me and don't trust me. I'm scared at any minute someone will come into my classroom and have me escorted out of the building.