About 2 years ago, I had a breakdown at university, compounded by excessive drinking and debt - it turned into my second depressive episode. I went to my GP, then to IAPT, then to crisis teams, and then to hospital (sectioned). I didn't see a future for myself because I'd dropped out of uni, I was swamped with the debt, my drinking and self harm were making me feel out of control, and most of all I felt I didn't deserve the treatment I was receiving because I felt so worthless but I couldn't discharge myself. I felt like a trapped waste of space with no hope, basically.

It wasn't an immediate turn around, I discharged myself from the treatment team shortly after coming off my section because I still felt like I didn't deserve the help. I was still in debt and didn't have any future plans. But through all the suicide attempts, I learnt what it was that I valued about life when faced with death. It was nothing major, it's just that in life, things move and it's bright and there are colours. Death would end all of that as well. So I spend my time focusing on how colourful life is. Not that the colours mean anything but it's something that death lacks.

I take each day as it comes. I set up a repayment plan for the loan and have just finished paying it off. I got a job as a care assistant to distract myself from my own problems and focus on other people (not the best decision though). I passed my driving test and got a car. I'm still suicidal, I still self harm, I still drink, but I'm managing to survive each day so I feel less helpless.