The pain of the kinda-sorta separation. Liked him from the first convo and we pretty much became very good friends from the beginning but it was going nowhere after 3-4 months and getting hopelessly sour so I left.

Then when he came back reformed a year later I tried hard to trust like earlier but failed to manage so it broke down again in a few months. The last conversation with him was a fight so I do carry some guilt around.

I have spent all my time recognizing our mistakes and working through all the reasons that made me think we won't work out though, so It's complicated to blame it all on just one person like I did initially. I have funny feelings towards him now: it's a superimposition of love, hurt, love, anger, resignation. I still get antsy if I think too much.

The best I can do is never reach out and get myself a career and a new life lol. I hope to eventually be able to forget it all. Fuck growth, I won't wish this on my enemies(and I hate them).