I completely get what you’re talking about and have been there too.

For me, it’s definitely a work in progress. Two big things I had to come to terms with are that this behavior is rooted in my insecurities (I’m an anxious attachment type) and my tendency toward codependency in close relationships.

Because I often have insecure attachment to others, I tend to put lots of emphasis on my close relationships and get really alarmed if they seemed threatened. I had to do a lot of work on my own (journaling, meditation, mindfulness, digging into past trauma) and with a therapist to see that that’s way too much pressure for any relationship. When you’re a baby or kid, it completely makes sense that your parents/caregivers need to love you and care for you - it really is life or death if they don’t take care of you. But for most adults, no relationship is that crucial - if my partner/spouse stops loving me, I can still feed and clothe myself or go find someone else who’s a better fit for love or companionship. So its not necessary to worry so much - it might be difficult or sad if a relationship ends, but I know I’m going to be ok either way. I’m still working on believing this deep down, but I’m getting there now and it’s the hardest lesson I’ve ever learned.

I also started to see how taking responsibility for everything is a way of trying to be in control like you said. It enables other people to be less responsible for themselves, which isn’t healthy. It also really weirds out ‘normal’ folks. I’ve had more than one acquaintance or friend give me the side eye when I worried to much about something they said or did lol. If something seems off, I do my best to communicate in a secure way (like saying: “Are you ok?” or “is everything ok?”) and then it’s their responsibility to tell me if there’s something I need to address.