...i am fine but i can't connect with family values and emotions as my friends .... My mom loves me and wants better for me i.e. the better in her mind ..........but the past(i mean the subtle things like i wish i had never given birth to you and other things she did to me ) its just I can't love my mom or my dad (dad was never really a role model thing) .

This all started due to her sister (a brutal feminist who just talks that's why she may be lawyer)started living next door to our place in grade 9 and infecting my environment .......all my studies went null from that point ..and i became depressed and and yet mother and her side of the family said i was just acting. I lost my purpose of studying you know to do shit for family and all ....i used to have a passion for computers and astrophysics and used to study from 5:00 am to 5:00 am(24 hr without sleep with highschool breaks of 30 mins)continuously and enjoyed it ... I can't even study since then don't know how i passed and am doing bachelor's on computer engineering.....where i am on 4th semester ....with 2 semesters of fail record.

I have trust problem because of the past issues i try to love her and all but it just doesn't comes out .....everytime she shows some loving emotions i am reminded of the past and my brain telling me that this is all lie or over-exaggeration.

I have lost purpose of living you know and passion to live ..or passion in life or have a why incase of difficult times.... thought of sucide ages ago yet I can't kill myself and used to think i am a coward.

..Now i just live. Thinking is this really worth it ,is it worth living and prospersing like an ubermench .... knowing full way that you can't have anything and even if you are lucky enough it won't last long.

.here i am living like a dead breathing male.