First: I have quite a complicated relationship with sex. I was sexually abused as a child, and it isn’t something that I have ever been able to work through. The first time I told an adult was when I was in an inpatient unit as a teenager. I got the courage to speak to my psychologist, who promised me that we were in a safe space, that she would help me put everything into words, but after that session, two policemen came to my room and demanded that I make a report to them. I couldn’t get any words out. I still have not been able to speak about it.

The secret: I let a man beat me and fuck me to dull the urge to kill myself. I was quite badly beaten on several occasions, the blows to the head made me dizzy and, I suppose, more compliant, and I was so badly beaten in the stomach that I spat up blood. I was choked so hard that I thought that I was going to pass out. My whole body was covered in bite marks and ugly, black bruises. I didn’t want to have sex, I just wanted someone to hurt me, badly, so that I could stop doing it to myself.

The problem is that I have a partner, and although I told her that I slept with this man, I cannot tell her that I let him physically abuse me, because I think that that would be too much for them. I know that they are going to break up with me, but I cannot tell them how messed up I am, and I know that there will be problems for the man if anyone else knew. I have ended up in a much worse situation, and it feels like I should have just killed myself in the first place, because that is exactly what I am going to do, now. It didn’t have to be so messy. I didn’t have to betray them.

I cannot live with the person that I am. I am just really, really sad because I know that it is going to kill my mum and my sister. I just cannot do this anymore.