i was bullied for my gummy smile when i was a kid, but the most painful criticism came from my mom

when I was a kid i was always praised for my looks and particularly for having thick healthy hair. my family always told me that hair is your “crowning glory”

when I was around 13 I cut my hair very short and got a lot of grief for it from my mom. she told me once i looked so disgusting, every time she looked at me she wanted to kill herself. i heard almost daily that i was being selfish and cruel looking so bad, because i didnt have to look at myself all day as much as everyone around me did. i kept my nails and hair neat but short and she would refer to me getting haircuts or cutting my nails as “mutilating” myself.

im also gay and from a religious family. they found it very shameful and tried to change me. my mom would bargain with me, telling me I could change with therapy, prayer, willpower. things are better and everyone is accepting now, and my mom has apologized and feels really remorseful (I forgave her). but as much as i try to move on it still really impacts me.

it’s been a huge challenge to feel desirable, TOLERABLE, let alone as a butch woman. my dating history has been very codependent due to my lack of self worth (a string of alcoholics). i have flashes of confidence as i get older, but question myself constantly and carry around a lot of guilt and shame. i pick myself apart and wonder if i’m dressing to please others or myself or where the line is. have had some spirals that end in tearful buzz cuts lol

before anyone recommends therapy.. my first psychiatrist was an old man who asked me to show him my feet to properly diagnose me. my therapist in high school repeatedly forgot who i was or fell asleep during sessions. another at a domestic violence center just fed me absolutely useless platitudes after i told her about some assaults. my worst alcoholic ex was a therapist in training. i’ll fuck with self help books, but I don’t negotiate with therapists!!