Sexual abuse in childhood is one of the most painful traumas that people hide from others.I should know.I'm a male survivor.I'm sure if you browse this thread long enough,you'll come across multiple cases of child abuse(esp. sexual) and the unexpected amount of suffering that comes with it deep into adulthood.Your own thoughts and emotions become your worst enemy early on in life.
As someone who has experienced repression of memories of the events throughout my childhood,teen years and early twenties and who also recently became a doctor while studying extensively(research,publications) on the lifelong impact of sexual abuse in childhood,here's my personal take on it.Please bear with me on this rather late wall of text.
In my case,I was abused and groomed to perform sexual acts when I was 6-7 yrs old by the domestic help.This was a year before I saw my sister trying to fight off her babysitter (different guy) as he was trying to rape her.Only her screams (and me crying,on seeing her terrified) prevented him from going through with it,as it had alerted the neighbours.Both our parents were working long hours and while they tried to help my sister get over it,I remained silent about my own situation out of guilt/shame.
The impact of this situation in childhood cannot be overstated. Barring any pre-existing conditions,humans are wired to be social creatures.It is in our nature to explore the world and bond with others at different levels.Abuse of any kind in childhood(when the brain is still in its' formative stage and the core foundations of the psyche are still developing) disrupts with this very element of life in the worst possible way. Especially,C.S.A violates the trust at core of childs' relationship with the world.In my case,at some level, I still distrust my parents for not protecting me and later for not being emotionally available.(even though they couldn't have known)
History of C.S.A (and later PTSD) leaves a distinctive genetic pattern changing the biological pathways in victims.Survivors lives into adulthood are often characterised by frequent crises.The hippocampus (formation of memories and learning incl. emotions) is found to be shrunken by about the same amount as in PTSD suffering war veterans.Depending on the severity,it can impact academic performance in school/college as well as basic problem solving abilities. MRI's in other studies show thinning of cortex in those exact regions the of brain associated with the very perception or processing of this type of abuse.
Across different studies its been shown that constant suicide ideation affects anywhere from 60 to 85 percent of survivors.In some studies,female victims are at 40 (FORTY) times higher risk of suicide than non-victims.It's 14 times for men.C.S.A aftermath however,is more complex in men and is even worse at the social level,because of the value societies place on misplaced forms of masculinity.There is a 4-5 times higher risk of developing psychiatric disorders (incl. schizophrenia) for CSA victims than the general population.
Social intelligence and development is impaired as guilt,fear and shame hijack the amygdala early on in life(fear and emotional centre),increasing the chances of pyschosis/sociopathy later on.More severe forms of depression with earlier onset,inability to regulate emotions,pyschosexual disorders(incl. pedophilia which often creates more victims and criminals),a much higher rate of substance abuse as the dopamine regulatory system is shot,physical sexual dysfunction,personality/sleep disorders as social impairment creates more problems,disassociation/pain/somatic disorders etc. The damage list to the neural circuitry is long.
In my case, I have a hazy memory of my parents being informed of my falling grades by my 3rd grade teacher ,increasing social isolation from my friends and even dreams of rape.My repression of memories which resurfaced in my mid-twenties has completely derailed the ongoing life narrative in my head.Throughout my life I have had difficulty with addictions (sugar,video games,porn--all dopamine related) and establishing relationships with women.Almost every day of final year of medschool was suicide ideation for me,I don't know how I got through.The first woman I to lost my virginity to was an escort. I was hypersexual(porn masturbation) and an emotional wreck afterwards for weeks because of the dopamine/serotonin crash as that event had recreated the experiences for me as a 7 yr old,only this time it was a woman instead of my abuser. I still struggle to go set up and go on dates.Without any background,these may seem appear to 'common' addiction problems,but trust me,there is almost no aspect of my life it hasn't touched.
The biological imperative to bond with people,have children of my own and live a 'normal' life may already be beyond my reach as time goes by.But if you're still a teen or kid or an adult reading this ,don't repress that shit.Write a journal or share the pain and salvage what you can.You just might get your 'normal' life.
The suffering may seem life long.But us survivors have to embrace our reality and work everyday to deal with the pain to live some sort of meaningful life.I myself cope with by keeping busy with various hobbies and interacting with pets,as disclosing my situation could jeopardise my medical license and career(the very reason I get up everyday- to help others to try and lessen my problems).Yeah that is the saddest detail of my life.