I feel like I'm a bother to most people, and that they could just go on without me. I'm trying to fight my depression, I'm on proper medication and I try to do things one step at a time, but I still feel like it'll never be good enough, that I should try harder, work more, do better. I think that if I phased out of everyone's life they wouldn't notice. Or that people I interact with on a daily basis just pretend that they like me, and in fact they're just putting up with me. I have a terrible time asking for some attention or help, so I mostly suffer loneliness on my own.

I've had a crush on my best friend when I was 15, and I told her, and she got scared ( both girls, conservative country ) and we became distant, it was ugly. But, it wasn't until later that I saw that I'd gladly do anything she asked of me, and she used that.

Next love, and only "relationship" I had, was over the internet, continents apart, with a choleric, manipulative person that made me doubt myself and my self-esteem and judgement, and I'm still trying to get rid of her influence in my life. She always said I'd leave her first, and then she left first anyway over the pettiest thing, it makes me laugh a bit to this day.

Now, I'm in love with a girl that is not interested in romantic relationships at all, she is aware of my feelings, and we remain close (as close as long distance allows, we live closer to each other tho). We support each other through bad times, because we both suffer from depression. But, I can't help but feel torn because I wish there was someone that would love me romantically, for what I am, and be here physically. I feel like I should be grateful that someone loves me in any capacity at all, and I feel ungrateful. I feel like I'm unloveable, and my depression makes me even more problematic.

I'm late to the thread and no one will read it most likely. But, OP, you're a great person and I just wanted to thank you for all the encouragement you give and the compassion you show to people here.