What is something that has been eating you up inside and you just need to get off your chest anonymously?

I think I need therapy or some type of counselling because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I feel like I need professional help because I really think something is wrong with me and how my mind works. There are times when I feel sad for no reason and other times, I’d just be angry at everything. There are instances when I want to cry but I don’t know why I want to cry. My emotions are all mixed up and I don’t understand it.

I know I should be happy because I have a good life. My parents work hard to pay for everything and they are also paying for my medical school and don’t get me wrong, I’m eternally grateful for that. It’s just that, I feel inadequate. I feel like I’m never gonna be good enough no matter how hard I try. I want to become a doctor, it’s all I ever wanted to be but I feel like I’m not smart enough to be one. This eats me up everyday. I know I should be studying, I tell myself I will open my books and read but I just end up laying in bed, feeling like shit and going to sleep. I’ve skipped classes too because I can’t focus enough in class and I hate when doctors go to class and they just stand there reading the goddamn powerpoint! I spend an hour everyday getting ready and commuting only to be disappointed and make me feel like I’m not learning anything. I know I’m doing terribly because I noticed how I sleep and eat so much when in the past I was always motivated to study and even workout. Whenever I have exams, I study well enough to pass. I know I could do better if I tried hard enough but I feel as if I’ve lost my drive and I’m just going through the motions.

I should have graduated but I left school about 3 years ago because my family had money problems. I had to find a job and help with the bills. My parents have recovered and they have given me enough in the bank until I graduate. I’m basically starting over again, I’m back to being a first year med student and if I even graduate, I’d be hitting 30 by then. I think about it all the time. It bothers me when I know it shouldn’t. All my friends have graduated and by the time, I graduate, they’d be done with their residency. I’m proud of them, I’m happy for them but at the same time, it makes me too aware of the fact that I’m left behind.

Besides school, other things bother me too. I grew up insecure and I always thought no one would like me even though friends and family say I’m attractive. I have poor self-esteem and my confidence is shit. I do pretty well with other people, though. I socialize and appear friendly because I’m good at faking it. Also, I’ve been single for a long time but I met someone from a dating app and we’ve been talking for a few months now. Neither one of us has committed to anything because we live far apart. I do like him, he’s a nice guy who makes me laugh and texts me all the time. He was the only person I was entertaining until I signed up on Tinder a few weeks ago. I thought it’d be okay to look for other options since he’s undecided about me. Got lots of matches but nothing good came out it - dudes just wanna bang, it seems like no one is trying to get to know another person anymore and just want sex right away. It seemed exciting at first getting asked out but ultimately, I realized I’m really not interested in seeing anyone right now and maybe I’m meant to be alone. I’ve been single for so long that the idea of being with someone else is alien to me now.

And then I think what if I just kill myself because I don’t know where my life is heading or if all this is even worth it. I’ve had suicidal thoughts before, just because I feel lonely and tired of everything. I only hurt myself once and I never did it again. I think about my parents, my sisters and my cats. My pets can’t look after themselves and they need me to care for them. My parents are old and it would devastate them if I did something horrible to myself. But the thoughts linger and I’m afraid that once my thoughts consume me completely, I’d really do it.

/r/AskReddit Thread