It's been years after my 3 suicide attempts in my early high school days, and for that period of time since I convinced myself I was over the depression and anxiety that brought me there. But as a college sophomore I started to feel all the same signs creep back in. Two months ago I dropped two of my classes and also proceeded to fail all my exams the following week. For the past month, well, I don't wanna get out of bed. I don't wanna wake up anymore. I barely get 2 hours of sleep a night and its gotten to the point I'm okay just sleeping for good.

Back in grade 9/10 I used the outlet of self harming, but as a more mature and understadning person I realize how counter productive that was, although it was still something. I found myself longing for that same kind of outlet now, instead I've let mine become drugs. But as someone seeing his life slip away every day it's hard to accept the constant weed and lsd abuse im putting myself through now.

The only thing keeping me sane now is my girlfriend who I've been seeing for a few months. She's my support and my outlet and she always knows how to make me forget about the pain I feel, but also deal with it when I should. And to be honest she's the only reason I still wake up and get to college in the morning. It's only been a few months but I feel ready to marry her and just leave everything else here and leave. Go somewhere far. But as amazing as she is, I can't be honest with her about how depressed I really am. I don't want her to worry for my life as real of a concern it is.

I've talked to my family about how I feel and while they're supportive they still believe it's a phase and it will just pass. I wouldn't be too sure. I can't afford therapy and honestly I'm scared of getting dependant on any medications. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped and I feel out of hope. I look back at the young me going through the same waves and I can't help but feel like I let him down. I'm sorry man. I couldn't do it.