I have a long lost adopted brother. He was 9 or 10 when I was born, he was a baby or toddler when adopted. Our mom adopted him because she tried for ages to have kids and couldn't. Both our parents died when I was 3, he must have been 12 or 13. We both spent time in orphanages. I got adopted, he didn't. He went through some truly awful abuse due to that in boy's homes etc. I've always carried a lot of guilt around about that. About leaving him there.

I know rationally that I couldn't have done anything, but we were close and besides seeing him very intermittently, we lost contact because my adoptive parents thought it was distressing to me. It probably was. I last saw him as a kid, around 9 or 10. I haven't seen him since and I'm in my mid 30's, so a quarter of a century.

Somebody in the extended family bumped into him and got his number for me and texted it to me. I texted him asking if he wanted to talk and as soon as the 'sent message' tone sounded my phone was ringing. We spent hours on the phone, crying our hearts out. He's always remembered my birthday apparently, and thinks of me everyday. Ditto from my side - 31st July for him. Same as our mom.

We were getting to know each other again after so long, then I had to move unexpectedly due to a death in the family. I lost my internet service provider and my cell phone at the same time. Great timing. Why I never wrote his number down on a frikking piece of paper I'll never know. So frikking stupid. He probably hates me. Anyway, it's a couple of years hence and now I live where he lives. About 15 mins away.

I think of him every day and fantasise about this grand reunion, but I'm horrified that he'll be disappointed. That I'm not what he wants in a sister. I haven't cured cancer, I haven't climbed anything. I'm not a millionaire or even have great dress sense. I'm pretty average.

So that's what I fantasise about every day, but at the same time it scares the hell out of me.