I'm scared of hard work because it's painful. It makes me confront my inadequacy. I think I have a self-worth and self-judgment issue that goes beyond the facade of social confidence and social success. When I have to work hard it makes me hate myself. Not actively, but that layer is just below the frustration I feel when hitting walls and I can sense it. I am inclined toward feeling as if I'm smart and don't have to work as hard as other people. I'm comfortable just getting by, just above the bare minimum, and priding myself on my intelligence because I did that in a short time period, or while I was fucking around 90% of the time. Fucking around and still getting almost decent results feels comfortable, because actually getting after it is inconvenient and it requires me to face the pain, negative self-talk, discomfort, and the possibility of actually being a failure despite doing all of that. I'm limiting myself, being underappreciated, and getting overlooked for rejected for opportunities, just so I can let myself feel this small sense of pride for getting shitty results in self-imposed shitty circumstances. I'd rather judge myself well for doing relatively well like that, than harshly in the process of hard work or after the results of hard work. I'm scared of the inner critic.