The one thing? Obviously my own insecurities. I was bullied and humiliated throughout high school. It left me deeply wounded and insecure. I withdrew into my shell and avoided doing or saying anything that would ever draw attention to myself.
I lost every ounce of dignity and self esteem that I had. In my mind all of my tormentors were correct, I was an unlovable sub-human piece of trash that should know my place and hide in my little hole.
I would never talk to girls.. at all. Too afraid of the humiliation and self-programmed my mind to believe that love and relationships were things meant for other people, but never me. It could never be real for me.
Life went downhill after high school when I ended up flunked out of community college, still living w/ my parents, and working the same shitty part time job (pushing shopping carts) that I had throughout high school. This went on until I was 25.
Since then I reinvented myself. I enlisted in the military, and managed to make a career out of it. I lost enough weight for my recruiter to talk to me, and lost the rest at basic and tech school. I rebooted my life at 25 in hopes of starting anew.
Since then I've been living a decent middle class life with a steady income, my own home and car far away from mom and dad's, rose up in ranks to a management position, got my physical health nailed down.. but the one thing that was still missing and remained missing.. I was utterly clueless when it came to girls. I had never even asked one out.
So for the next 5 years I got really comfortable and just lived a life that consisted of go to work, come home, and play computer games--occasionally (once or twice a month) go to a house party co-workers were throwing where there were not a single available woman to be found (predominantly male work environment, only females present were their wives)
Around the time of my 30th birthday I became super depressed. It felt like anything I did to turn my life around was utterly meaningless because I didn't have anyone. And having avoided that my entire life I was too afraid to start now, and felt like my lack of experience alone was a huge barrier to entry.
So i found this place one tearfully depressed night after googling things like "30 y/o virgin", "late virginity" etc. I started posting here and sharing in the misery but also grasped something else.. a slim sliver of hope that maybe just maybe I could still achieve the one thing i wanted most in life.
I signed up for online dating and have been getting dates here and there. To my shock a girl from reddit even messaged me offering to take my virginity which I took her up on the offer. So that actually happened for me. The outpouring of support and advice from reddit in general has been huge, but it's still a daily struggle.
Every little insecurity I have it's like I can still hear the echoing of all the bullies and detractors I had in high school. I was the kid who sat alone at lunch his entire freshman and sophomore year, the one other nerds would make fun of.. that even girls would make fun of, rather cruely.
It's... hard to overcome all that. But I'm trying damn it. I recognize the biggest thing holding me back is me, my own self doubt lack of self confidence, which others perceive as shy awkwardness, but it's really just me afraid of being humiliated again.
So in a sense you could say I'm what happens when the bullies win?
You probably weren't expecting a life story with this reply I bet. Well here it is, anyway. Have it.