This is kinda similar to mine, mine generally deals with death. I’m not officially diagnosed yet however, I read about OCD about a week ago in more detail, and I was like holy shit everything makes sense now. I’m kinda writing this for myself to think of my triggers to work on.
Read about some weird world ending conspiracy that I know will inevitably come and pass and is bullshit (knocks on wood), and I can’t get it outside of my head for at least an hour if not a day or two, and then generally will randomly pop into my head for a week and then fade out till I read something else. I can’t read those “what’s a disturbing thought” or fact or similar threads on askreddit because there will be like one or two and then my heart rate goes up as I frantically search about it for hours. Same thing goes for some diseases I’ll read about, like rabies, prions, brain tumors, aneurisms, etc. Had trouble sleeping for a few days cause I was obsessed with a bat getting into my room and biting me and giving me rabies without me knowing cause I read about rabies on reddit. I would read about rabies for at least an hour a day for about four days straight. Felt a sensation of my scalp having a spasm and decided a bat bit me. I knew it hadn’t. But I couldn’t be sure, and I couldn’t get it out of my head. So I got in the shower and blasted my scalp in the spasm area with pretty hot water for 15 minutes.
Along with that, holding my breath around people with diseases that aren’t contagious (knocks on wood), like ALS, Cancer, Down Syndrome, etc. I know I can’t get them, but if I take a breath around them I feel contaminated. If I’m in the gym and I get a little scratch I worry about getting a disease, though generally touching door handles doesn’t bother me. It’s more about being cut, or breathing something.
Then, just thoughts. Like about my family being injured, or something good happening, or bad in general, or about a cataclysmic event occurring, or the universe ending. I have to knock on wood for those. I tell myself I can’t risk harming others. My main compulsion is knocking on wood. And it had to be three times. With solid contact. Sometimes this brings me into a knocking loop where I get caught in some strange feedback loop where I can’t stop knocking because I doubt a knock or think of an prior unknown bad thing about a thought, like oh I’ll never forget this (knocks on wood cause Alzheimer’s) and then I’m like oh shit what if I never forget cause I die before I forget (knocks on wood). Thoughts about locking the front door, forgetting to close my bathroom door and my cat falling in the toilet and drowning, leaving the stove on, etc.
Finally I get caught up on moral issues. For about two weeks I’d stay up till 4 AM reading about arguments for privacy. Should I trust google? To what extent should I go in terms of privacy? Am I being paranoid? I’d read for hours every night, oftentimes the same reddit posts and articles. I don’t have any real reason for privacy or to suspect I’d have any interest in me. But what if’s kept popping into my head.
The same is with politics. Socialism vs capitalism. Taxes (LVT, corporate, carbon, capital gains, regressive, progressive, distortion), healthcare, NGDP vs GDP targeting, deregulation of zoning laws, rent control, foreign policy, etc etc etc. Reading and reading and reading. Am I right? I don’t know. I ended up just kinda deciding I’ll go with what experts say. What housing experts and empirical studies show is what I believe on housing, economists the economy, climate scientists climate change, healthcare economists on healthcare, etc etc. But then, what if they’re wrong? Idk, just gotta trust I guess.
Question. Do you guys have any backgrounds to your compulsions? Like, knock on wood. I read this on Wikipedia awhile back “The origin of the custom may be in German folklore, wherein supernatural beings are thought to live in trees, and can be invoked for protection.” And now that’s stuck in my head when I do it. I try to make like, deals with them too. Like I know they’re know real...but like what if they are ya know? That .1% chance. I make deals like, hey I can’t hurt others or make the world end or the thoughts don’t count when I’m high blah blah then knock on wood and the deal is done. But I don’t know if it’s done, so I try and test it, but I’m not sure if anything can happen if I purposefully try, the thought can’t be forced. I think we’re friends cause not many people knock on wood you know and I’m like dedicated, but I can’t be sure and upset them you know? Again, I’m new to this, so just wondering if anyone else has this. I know they’re not real, but like...what if they are? Lmao ugh it’s annoying it makes me feel crazy.
Sorry for all the writing, I haven’t told anyone so it feels good to get it off my chest. I’ll edit if I think of more.