Shorter term: panic disorder. That came pretty much when I got stressed about anything I think. I think it was actually me getting stressed about traffic that kicked off my first series of panic attacks.

Really long term: depression, suicidal ideation, and some agoraphobia. I put up a good mask but I get tired of wearing it everyday and it's pretty apparent now. If there were no consequences, I would stay in my bed all day. If there were really no one to hurt, I would be dead.

Now I have moments when I can get triggered to anger pretty easily. I'm just fucking tired. Sometimes throughout the day I have moments where I just zone the fuck out and hope I don't say outloud that, "I will fucking kill myself."

Get it in check, go see a therapist, it took me a few times giving up and basically flipping out during the pandemic to finally follow through with my current therapist. Helped me a great deal with managing my panic attacks for the most part in just a few sessions. The damage from the long-term anxiety is what I am ultimately dealing with now. And that's going to take a while.