What do I do with a baby?

Dear Cluelessuncle. When you show up on their door, this smelly bundle of puke, dried milk, diaper dumplings will be shoved in your face. Your proper move at this point is to tell the person holding said bundle that "Damn, that's the cutest thing I've ever seen". Make a slight move to the side and ask the other one where the hell you hiding the beer? They will immediately pick up on what you are doing and eagerly escort you away from the bundle.

If you bring a gift, bring alcohol. You are obligated to drink it with one or the other, the non-drinker automatically gets stuck with watching the bundle.

never, never, accept the bundle. it will leak vile substances on you. Politely tell your hosts that no, I'm headed to a meeting with (insert influential name) right after I leave here. I can't afford any accidents. (Accident is code word for the little bundle of joy shitting, pissing, or puking on you).

Pretty much, try as hard as possible to pretend that nothing has happened to ruin your group karma but don't in any circumstance think it's the same. Your brother is pretty much out of the game for at least 18 months. Do not talk about activities that you find mutually pleasurable. If necessary, pass him notes where the guys will be hanging out on Friday night. Best he pretend to work late and let the bundle watcher remain in the dark. These are troubled times in a man's life. Do no evil. Be supportive, even if it means kissing her ass to keep him off the hook.

When they grow up a bit, I'll clue you in on how to be the evil uncle. She will beg you to remove her man from the house, just so she can protect her children from your presence.

/r/NoStupidQuestions Thread