This is long, but I think it's valuable to show some of the origins of narcissism - and where and what it can lead to. Attention isn't always about showing off. Sometimes it's about control. I call it the "tyranny of victimhood", where people play up their helplessness or pitifulness, to gain control over other people.
I once worked at a video store with a 28 year old woman who was either psychotic or a sociopath, I'm not sure which. Her ability to manipulate people was all based on her constant, self pitying "humour". Her social status and every relationship was always about making people feel sorry for her. Every story she had to relate about herself was based on how unlucky she'd been in life, how pitiful her existence was and how pathetic people were. She was intelligent and regarded as 'caustic' and funny by customers, because she was, but underneath that "cute" and hilarious nastiness, there was some serious issues.
I'd known her for about 2 years at this point and her backstory was not uncommon. She was short, heavy set, not particularly good looking, and born to a poor family in a rural region of the province. She was smart too, which suggested that she probably was the victim of a lot of bullying even from an early age. Young girls - even those in elementary school - are very, very adept at bullying. There's a Seinfeld episode about a bully that harassed George in grade school and at one point George and Jerry ask Elaine how girls bully one another. She says, "We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder." Women learn very quickly how to dish out a type of abuse that leaves no visible scars. I genuinely believe it was that 'victimhood' that created this person and continues to allow her to manipulate and control people around her. I think it made her mentally ill. She is desperate for attention - but it's how she gains that attention and what she uses it for that's interesting.
I discovered the origins of her illness one slow night at the store, when she and I and one other employee - who was completely under her spell - were sitting around. For some reason, she asked us about our "most memorable" experiences when we were young. At this point, I was mostly keeping to myself because the harassment and abuse I suffered from these two (invariably led by her) was so intense and unrelenting that I just sat and read a book. Another employee ( a big, bruising guy who was one of the gentlest and funniest persons I've ever known) had mentioned being bullied by this woman in the past, but nobody took that seriously, because hey, she was a tiny little woman and he was a big gangly guy and that's laughable. In other words because of sexism. I didn't realize that at some point I'd get to see that harassment and abuse first hand, or that she was more than able to get others to join in so easily, but it finally happened. So I let these two talk amongst themselves, because whenever I tried to converse with them, I was mocked or belittled. When a customer came in, I'd be as friendly and helpful as ever, but if I was alone with these two, it was unbearable - so I kept to myself.
She decides she's going to tell us about her 'most memorable' experience from when she was young, so she stands up behind the counter, stares out past the empty store floor and almost imperceptibly begins rocking back and forth on her feet. "When I was in grade school, I decided one day to go out and just punch kids in the face as they were coming down the slide..." I look at the other guy and he's just sitting there like an idiot, with a big moony grin on his face as he stares up at her. I'm thinking, WTF? "So I go out for lunch in my parka, because it's snowing and the kids are lined up, getting ready to take turns going down the slide." At his point, she's very visibly rocking back and forth on her feet, heel-to-toe, heel-to-toe, but she's also starting to grin and her eyes are sparkling. She was literally back in the schoolyard and reliving what she was about to do. And she was thrilled. "So I go over and stand at the end of the slide and I let the first kid go down... and then another kid comes down and POW! right in the face. And I start laughing and she starts crying, and then another kid who didn't see it comes down and POW! I hit them too..." I'm thinking how messed up all this is, but it gets worse. Much worse. "So now, one of the teachers sees this and runs over and grabs me and takes me to the principals office." "And I remember sitting in the principals office - and it was great. All these adults, running around wondering 'What made her do it - what made her do it?'"
She breaks the little spell she's in and turns and look at the other guy and goes "Isn't that great?"
And everything about her and her character just fell into place for me. What thrilled her was the fact that the adults around her were looking for something outside of her to explain her behaviour. Not a single one of them thought she was capable of doing something evil and nasty for its own sake. They were all considering whether there was a problem with her home life, or whether one of the other kids had done something, or almost any other 'reason' for her behaviour that didn't include her willingness to hurt people for no other reason than the thrill of it. This is the sexism in our society. And she discovered how to use that sexism and belief to her advantage. She realized that as long as she was a victim (a woman, an intellectual, an unattractive person), her behaviour or actions would always be attributed to forces outside of her. Other things "made" her do it - she couldn't possibly have done (or said) that 'awful thing' willingly. She would always be able to pull the 'victim' card, because she's always been the victim; which is why she's always playing the 'poor little me' character.
During the time I worked there, there were at least a half dozen customers complaints about her; usually about how she treated and talked to people. And she truly did cross the line many times. In two incidents I witnessed, when the manager spoke to her about the complaints, her excuse was always the same - it was a 'misunderstanding'. She'd say, "Oh - I was trying to be funny, I guess". And she would cry. And cry some more. This girl got more free passes than any other person I've ever met - because she played 'victim' more skillfully than anyone I've ver met.
Sometimes, people want a special kind of attention for a very particular reason. Run away from them.