What is your best NSFW story from living in the dorms?

Bear with me here, this story is long, but in my opinion, well well worth it. It was about three weeks after we had moved in and everybody on my floor was starting to get to know each other a little bit. One of the kids on my floor was a kid named Joey, and my immediate reaction the first time I saw him was holy shit, this kid is Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds. The more I got to know him over the next couple of weeks, I realized the personality definitely matched the image. He was a kid that would bash his head off of a wall for no apparent reason, take a bite out of a beer can as a personal challenge, and yell barely coherent sentences at the top of his lungs. He was the disgusting degenerate we all aspired to be.

The way our dorms were structured was that it would alternate between male and female floors. My roommate Louie had a pretty big crush on this girl Nicole, who lived on the floor below us. One night we invite some of our friends, including Nicole and some other 4th floor girls, over to play cards and drink some beer. Everybody is having a great time, the music was cranking, we were starting to get a nice buzz going. People were flowing in and out of our room throughout the night, some staying for awhile, others just popping their head in to see what was going on or to say hey.

Then came Joey. He barged in with the slimiest grin on his face and a mason jar in his hands. He tells us that a friend of a friend hooked him up with some of his grandpa's moonshine, straight off the mountains of Tennessee. Of course being the future alcoholic that he was, ol' Iron liver Joe took a big swig, made some dumbass comment about it basically being water, and passed it my way. I was no stranger to hard liquor, so curiosity got the better of me, and I took a sip. Mother of god I thought at that moment my esophagus was going to melt. I couldn't even begin to imagine what kind of depraved lunatic could even come up with a concoction that vile. I passed it back to Joey, who took another big swig before passing it to Louie. Louie wanted no parts of it after seeing my reaction, which Joey took as a personal challenge from above to make sure Louie got his fair share of the paint thinner in a mason jar. With Louie's crush looking on, he had no choice. He took a deep breath and took a big swig of it.

I wish I could tell you that Louie fought the good fight, and him and Joey didn't finish that entire mason jar. I wish I could tell you that. But dorm life is no fairy tale world. People eventually start to head out, and eventually its just me, my barely coherent roommate and Joey left in the room. After somehow mustering the strength to help me lift Louie into his bed, Joey stumbles out of my room, and I figure thats the last i'd hear from him for the night. Oh how wrong I was.

About 20 or so minutes later as i'm rolling my buddy onto his side and putting a trashcan in an easily accessible location, I hear the very loud screams of a girl, and a guy repeatedly yelling "oh fuck!". From the very beginning I could tell that they weren't happy sexual screams, but more like I'm about to be murdered screams. As much as I wanted to just call it a night and hit the hay, I headed out of my room to try and find the source of the screams. Of course, it's Joey's room. I open the door (because why the hell would he lock it), and see Nicole on the floor with blood gushing down her legs, and Joey sitting on the bed, panicked, with his hands on his head, both of them bare ass naked. Turns out Joey had gotten whisky dick from all of the moonshine, so he decided the absolute next best course of action was to stick an empty beer bottle up her cooter and go to town. At some point she fell off the bed and the bottle smashed. Genuinely feeling bad for her, I asked if there was anything I could do to help, she said she would handle it, barely gathering up all of her clothes before she bolted out the door. I look at Joey, and a shitty, slime ball grin comes over his face, and the first words out of his lips are "That's why you buy cans, Phillyfan10."

Louie in the midst of a brutal hangover the next day found the story absolutely hysterical. He didn't believe meat first, but the man of no shame himself gave a play by play of the events that transpired. Nicole never set foot on our floor again, and every time we passed each other, eyes darted to the ground and an ever so slight head nod was exchanged. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Joey didn't make it much past the first semester. Turns out classes are important, and public drunkenness charges are not nearly as hard to get as one might think. Nobody I'm close with really kept in touch with him over the years, but I like to think he vanished into the corn like in The Field of Dreams, except instead of vanishing into corn, it was a walmart. I have told this story countless times over the years, and like a fine wine it only gets better with age, as I am able to continue to shock and appall new people with each telling.

/r/AskReddit Thread