GERMAN JOKES
Knock, knock. Who's there? The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.
A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge? She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
What do you call a cat with no tail? A Manx cat.
Why do undertakers wear ties? Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb? One.
How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is far more efficient in both time and money to change it yourself. Failing that, ask a relative or neighbour to change it for you.
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Two men are sitting in a pub. One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'
Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
How do you drown a blonde? Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? Repeated absences and stealing.
A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says, "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says, "I just got back from a funeral"
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? "Would you like an ice pack?"
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work? He was weird.
A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first? Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life. When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied, "No. No, I don't."
A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?" The lawyer said "$400." "Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?" "I guess so," said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house? You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.' The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.' The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says. The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."
What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late. Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soy-bean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home. Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a Bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman. "Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.