3. What was your first high school relationship like?

What was your first high school relationship like?

It messed me up big time. I'm old now. There is a large part of my heart that she tore out of my chest and still has it. My eyes never shined quite as bright after her.

I've never told this to anyone but what the hell, maybe she will read it. I was 13 I think when we started going steady. It wasn't too long before we started making out. We explored each other pretty thoroughly but we never actually had penetrating sex. It took me a while to catch on but I realized that she got the most turned on when I held her wrists. That ratcheted things up a notch or two. (We were a little older by then.) We would be making out and she would begging me to penetrate her. I wouldn't do it. I would bring her to orgasm in other ways. Then after it was over she would say things like "It's a good thing you didn't put it inside me. If you did, I'd hate you forever." Fast forward to the next summer. I'm hanging out at her house, we were laying out in the sun, her parents at work. We got inside, pretty turned on from the sun and the chemistry we had. I'll never forget, she was sitting in a rocking chair in their den, naked with her legs over the arms of the chair. I was going down her and it was pure bliss. She grabbed my head and said "Z, I want you to do it. I want you to put it inside of me now!." Of course, I told her "No. You really don't want that." She said, "Yes, I really do." I asked if she was sure. She said "Yes". I was on my knees in front of her and decided that she was sincere. I took my time. I was watching what I was doing and but was also trying to get a read on her face. She was looking down too. When I was fully inside of her, her eyes just went cold. It all stopped. She just looked at me and said "You did it" and got up and went into her bedroom. I was perplexed. I had no idea what to do.

I gave her a little time and then went to her bedroom door. It was locked and I knocked gently. I asked if I could come in. She just said "No, you need to leave now and you don't need to come back anymore."

Ever since, I've never felt worthy or deserving of good things in my life. I suppose that's why there are so very few of them.

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