My dad fucked me up. I'm at least 80% sure he molested me before the age of three. I have these memories of him taking me in the bathroom and showing me his penis, asking me to touch it and then telling me to put it in my mouth. These are super foggy memories, I honestly can't tell if they're just a recurring nightmare. However, my grandma told me later in life that she thought something was going on but my mom blatantly refused to believe it. Around three, my dad choked me until I had bruising around my eyes. That is a confirmed fact by many family members. I remember nothing from that experience... so I strongly believe he molested me and those are actual memories.
He was put in prison when I was four, released when I was eight, lived with us for four years until he choked my mom and my uncle beat his ass to get him off her. Then he did a bunch of meth, moved to Oregon and was actually able to get out of paying close to fifty grand in back child support by paying some debt relief company three grand. He killed himself father's day of 2012. My cunt of an aunt, his only living relative besides us, who also molested him as a child, refused to retrieve his body and said, "well you kids are his next of kin..." My brother was able to have him cremated but for a pretty penny.
He was a tortured soul thanks to aunt having sex with him at a very early age but idk about forgiving him. The older I get, the more fucked up my relationships with men are becoming, the more I believe that I may be too fucked in the head to actually have healthy relationships. A year or so ago, I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor and my mom was the first person I told. She said, "guys are like that, you gave him the wrong impression by letting him in and drinking around him." Ok, ma. But the first words outta my mouth were, "I just need a friend, nothing's gonna happen between us..." I have serious trust issues for both men and women. I haven't gone to therapy since the trial and I'm not doing too well either. I haven't done shit for good in almost two years. Terrified to leave my apartment... I try my best to not be angry with my mom but her dismissal of big issues has definitely made me rethink going to her for any advice.