I've always been alone. As a child I got bullied a lot. Making friends wasn't on my agenda so I became endowed to my studies. I remember very well the lonely nights. Writing poetry, drawing, living within the walls of a four cornered room, allowing my imagination to paint them for me.

Today, I am 20. It took until I was 17 and just finished high school before I found my first friend. Suddenly, I grew a social standing. I had become "popular." Every night was spent partying and socializing. I had become the complete opposite, a social butterfly. It's as if I had shed the cocoon and bloomed.

But today? Today I am alone. Due to my lack of a long term social foundation, I couldn't process my emotions properly. I fell in love with every person I met because I reminded myself of the lonely nights. I reminded myself of how much I fucking hurt as a child. I remember the words people called me. I remember being hit in the hallways. I remember having to stand up for the other kids like me because people just wouldn't let them live

I deleted my social media. I moved to a new state. That's when I became entirely alone. I stopped checking my phone for texts. Eventually people just didn't text back. I needed the space. The time to breath.

When I'm alone I feel invulnerable. Although some nights the loneliness manifests itself into physical pain, I realized that my best friend, and the only person who's stood by my side, is myself. I feel so strongly for people. I have an overwhelming empathy for the world. But the loss I have suffered over the past two years made me lose faith.

I'm actually typing this from an in stay home. Last week I felt so hopeless and suicidal. I didn't have anyone to talk to, so the thoughts consumed me. I found myself calling the crisis hotline just so I could talk to someone. That is why I'm here now.

I'm alone by choice. It wasn't those who I used to call friends that made me delete my social media. That was myself. Maybe someday I'll step back out into the world, maybe recollect with some old friends from the state I lived in before. But for now, the silence is oddly comforting.