What is your unpopular opinion/hard truth regarding deadbedrooms? Especially interested in what the DB "oldtimers" or DB leavers have to say.

A non-trivial number of deadbedrooms are due to perceiving your partner to have reduced social capital. Often, the thing that re-sparks attraction is re-seeing your partner as having social capital that other people want. The reason choreplay doesn't work is because "your partner doing chores" isn't sexy -- what's sexy is a partner who effortlessly and casually and without mentioning it takes care of all of that stuff in a way that makes your life feel easy, and then they also demonstrate social capital on top of that.

Social capital is earned when there aren't any absent triggers (they're not someone who doesn't do chores) as well as the presence of positive triggers (they're someone who brings something sexy to the table, who seems competent or sexy or popular or funny or whatever it is that you value).

Choreplay fails because "doing chores" isn't the addition of the presence of a positive feature; it's that "doing chores" is just the non-presence of a negative feature. You need to also have the presence of positive triggers.

/r/DeadBedrooms Thread