Copied from a friend's email, with his permission. He comes across as a total asshole but I admittedly still laugh when I read it.

"So I was telling Steven about this last night Yesterday I had the absolute worst sexual experience I've ever had and ever will have in my existence. A little background: fantastically unattractive girl sees my beard and gets turned on AF. Gets ahold of my snapchat from an old friend. Keeps telling me she wants to give me head and that she deep throats, swallows, the whole package. I ignore her for 3 weeks, but she keeps on. I ask Steven and Carter for advice and they say go for it. I tell her I'm down for a bloge. She says I must return the favor. I reluctantly agree. The day before she says we should get sushi beforehand. Ugh. Fucking fine woman this isn't a date but whatever. I arrive at her house. She's disgusting. And fat. She waddles over to my car like a drunk penguin with the expression of a stone faced burn victim with seven 21st chromosomes. Her rancid funk of a stench made it clear she hadn't showered, but when she stumbled into the passenger seat it was clear she did in fact shower but in an eroding chemical bath of a "perfume" sulfur explosion that smelled like a combination of pine needles and fucking gasoline (Sex Panther has NOTHING on this shit). I couldn't hear what she was shitting out of the butthole on her face because I was staring agape at my beloved, beautiful new-car-smell leather seat wondering how many hours it would take to scrub off her gasoline-pine-herpes grime. The sweat off her meaty chode neck made it look like my innocent passenger seat was in tears and pity. So we went to sushi. My god. She kept flirting with the chef at the sushi bar with this laugh that sounded like a factory farmed pig with a sinus infection. She was glaring into my eyes and going on about how she is so damn passionate about the most nothing bullshit and how her social skills are so on par with Justin Timberlake and how that's gotten her far in life. Just as fucking gross to hear her drool those words out the butthole on her face. How she could be so arrogant, dumbfoundedly unattractive, and impossible to talk to truly truly amazed me. The fucking trifecta! I was miserable. She snorted every time she fucked her face with a sushi roll while detailing how she has a fwb deal with 4 other guys right now, none of which, she said, touched her vagina. Those three words made my balls jump back into my stomach and my arteries go flaccid with disgust. What. In the actual fuck. Was I getting myself into. The hair on my neck was the only thing erect and I was sweating like a morbidly obese eight year old who picked up and ate a ghost pepper by accident. It felt like she raped my clean shirt when she placed her crusty hand on my shoulder (her wrist was so damn thick there was no transition from hand to wrist) and whistled through the butthole in her face "let's get out of here". Damn fucking straight I'm bailing. I kept nudging to take her home, oh but she already had her panties flooded ruining my damn seat. She wasn't done yet. It was time to finish what she came here for. There was no turning back now, like when you're in the ocean and a wave glides over your cock and balls. With the windows all the way down in desperate failed hopes to vent out her brutal gasoline-pine-herpes odor, she directs me to the empty parking lot of a fucking Mormon church. The irony lifted my spirits just barely above that of the depths of hell it was already engrossed in. I park, excuse a false yawn, and pretend to start sleeping, my appendage more fucking frightened than George Costanza's cold water dick shrinkage incident. Like a beached whale crashing on the shore she plants her planetary mass on my person and forces ass-to-mouth with the butthole on her face. Using her tongue as her weapon of choice, she kept her mouth wide open without ever closing it and rapidly swung her tongue counterclockwise like a helicopter blade and wasn't afraid to hold back her stained teeth. Aback with thee, demon!! I gently nudged her face with my hand to the left to terminate this blood curling disaster and head south knowing she has considerable melons. I very impatiently make my way there while a gust of her gasoline-pine-herpes stench shoved it's way to my tastebuds, and then. Holy fucking cunt shit. Unbelievable. Inconceivable!!! She stuffs. Her fucking bra. She has inverted tortillas with snow cone inflamed nipples jutting outward, and salty with sweat. The smell was getting to be too much. I throw up a bit in my mouth, which was a relieving taste and smell as if my body was doing me a solid. Her diamond-hard traffic cones very easily had more sheer volume than her grimy paper plates. Fuck! Could it get worse?!?! Ohh yes. Of fucking course it can. She takes her clothes off. Time to reach my lowest low. Literally. Perhaps I'd vomit in her pink hippo flaps and I could make bail that way. "Feel free to play with my asshole sweetie". I might cry if I have to continue. I move my shaking fingers downward and trudge through to her rancid, absolutely atrocious looking and smelling pussy. My God, woman, what have you done to yourself? I couldn't tell if the flimsy pork lips were a result of her butter hips or from excessive masturbation with various objects. Either way I knew I'd end up a different person. I start fingering her, two fingers in, thumb on the clit, nothing special, and my fuck. In 40 fucking seconds she starts squealing like a Vietcong POW/drowning pig hybrid and came in under a minute. Wow. "Sorry it hasn't been used in a good while." Thank god that was over. "Your turn". She knew what she was doing, and it was very clear she gives 10x more than she receives. Only problem was I had been so traumatized by the whole fucking evening that my love muscle wasn't budging. So, naturally, I pull an asshole move and start watching porn on my phone while she continued. I finish, disgusted, and I take her straight home. Fuck."