What's the fastest way to lose all of your friends?

Be well-meaning but so broken and susceptible to insecurity & jealousy that you fatally try to repress them with a perfect cocktail of prescription & illicit drugs as well as clandestine cheating on your partner, whom you love and with whom you share said friend group, then shamefully confess everything to everyone and try to repair the damage, then somehow succeed and have things go okaaay for a while and have your friends seem cool enough to forgive you as things start to get better, but then against all odds land a dream job that un/fortunately whisks you to a different part of the country 1000 miles away where any hope you have of regaining social relevance with either said partner or said friends becomes but a withered husk of ironic capitalist alienation until the whole thing collapses only to quickly begin again as a renewed cycle of excruciating loneliness & guilt intermixed with mind-altering substances and stutter-stop rebounds that this time are at least painstakingly honest but never quite enough to replace that deeply satisfying feeling of truly belonging to a group, and then rinse and repeat enough times until you have absolutely no one but yourself and the guilt you rode in on as you are eventually hung out to dry.

Which is to say that, yeah, eventually you dry out and sober up and do meaningful, life-changing work that earns you respect and admiration from people who have no idea about your dark past, so who needs friends anyway, amirite?

Fwiw and for the sake of space, I skipped the parts that included rollercoasters, but if truly want to lose all of your friends quickly, you should know there are more than a few.

/r/AskReddit Thread