But I also believe that He is a massive douchelord
Let us consider the following premises.
Ergo, God is good. Your argument rests on the final premise of this statement being false.
Two people broke a rule, and now THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE SHALL SUFFER FOREVER, MWAHAHAHA! You and I weren't there, how the fuck does this involve us? Disproportionate retribution, anyone?
Please look into the Eastern Orthodox, Oriental Orthodox, and Anglican understanding of the fall of man. Keep in mind that this idea was formulated by St. Augustine, now, much as I appreciate Augustine, he also thought our genitals were shameful instruments of sin. He wasn't one to hold back when he thought something. Although he is widely praised in the west, all of his words are not definitive, and some argue that they border into disagreement with christian orthodoxy.
Hell, wasn't Satan banished just because he spoke up? Just because he had some common sense? The one guy smart enough to point out the flaws got his ass booted out and was forever branded as the epitome of evil.
None of this was in the bible, nor in the writings of the Fathers. That is the Islamic understanding of Ha'Satan/Ibliis's fall. In most christian theology, Ha'Satan is an adversarial entity who, on account of his pride, tried to surpass God and set up his own dominion. He didn't point out any flaws, he was just a massive douchebag.
But I've heard some of the verses, and they all sound like propaganda-level bullshit.
Such as? I'd be happy to assist you in understanding the cultural context behind the 'propaganda-level bullshit', because that is really very important.
I am almost definitely going to Hell now. But at least I'm not another mindless Bible-thumper who believes that everything God does is justified.
If everything God does is not justified, then he is either not God, or he is not the God of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam (+ the Druze and the Samaritans).
Life itself is a miserable joke that nobody asked for, and look who made it that way.
I would argue that human beings make life as it is now, not any divine power. We always want more fleeting possessions, we always want a higher position on the social ladder, our passions know no limit. We refuse to help the lowest among us and we forget about the plight of the oppressed.