Thanks, it's just I don't have any stable periods periods in-between, I ramp straight from the depths of depression to the highs of mania before plummeting back months later, and if I have to stay on numbing zombifying meds that make me fucking miserable I don't see the point. I can keep trying but quite literally all I have to live for is creative pursuits - music, art, programming, volunteering etc. I have no one in my life, I've severed relationships with my family, friends and any girlfriends I've had, and there's no stability or predictability besides, like not to sound emo but beyond the superficiality it's just a dark meaningless void. I'll do my best but unless I miraculously get better or it gets easier I don't envision myself having the strength to truck past 30.