No throwaway. There is a piece of me that is terrified to post this but I am going for it. I'm sure I will get some nasty grams, but I am going to speak for those who are still too scared to speak out on this.
Abortion. I'm aware most people think we are heartless pieces of shit who don't care. I am sure some are. Here is my experience. I was 15 years old. With the same guy.for multiple years. We had split a few months prior due to his constant cheating me. I was at practice and a ton of my "friends", including what was supposed to be my best friend and the guy i had left thought it would be hilarious to call my mom and tell her how I have had sex. They I guess had a long discussion while I had no idea what was going on. I got in the car after a great practice and knew something was wrong. She asked point blank and I didn't deny it. Everything they said was true, after all. Just to be sure she wanted me to take a pregnancy test. Fine. I felt fine.
My world came crashing down that night and I would never be the same. You never see yourself as "that girl". Ever. I don't remember reaction. I don't remember taking the test. It was positive. It couldn't be right. There was no way. She had me take a few more. All positive. A lot of this is a blur and I apologize. All I remember personally is calling the guy to tell him, and to tell him I am not keeping it. I remember begging him not to tell. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember being at the office. I was crying. I remember some girl, maybe late 20s bringing me some tissues. Then I woke up. It was done. My mom took me to ihop.
The details I don't remember are the fact that protesters were outside. So much so that I had to be brought in through a back entrance. I don't remember that. Thankfully.
I have never felt more alone on my life then I did at that point. I was empty. I was betrayed by everyone close to me. No one came to visit. Little did I know the same group of "friends" found out and was going around school telling everyone while I was facing an awful recovery. I was in so much pain and I needed a friend. That I didn't have. Then the phone calls started. First by people I knew. Then eventually death threats from people I had never met. They told me I'm a murderer. How they were going to come kill me too. You name it they said it. I gave them my address.
I took a lot of pills during this period. Why? I was weak. I believed what they were saying. They didn't know me but I was dumb enough to believe that obviously they knew me better then I knew myself. My pain a heartache were meaningless because I was a monster. I didn't deserve to live and I tried to end it. People would drive by my house late at night screaming how I was a whole and a murderer.
I harbored so much anger and hatred for so long. I still think about my baby. I wonder what he or she would be like. It still hurts to this day. I can talk about it now because I know I made the right decision. It took me forever to be able to talk about it.
I thought they had messed something up. For the last few years my husband and I were not safe about things. 3 years later I was blessed with an amazing, smart, adorable son. I have never felt love like this. People have tried to ask if he makes up for that and it's a question that makes me sick. Nothing will ever make up for what happened. There will always be a hole. Knowing what I know now being a mother, I know there is no way I could have done this being 15.
Just know, we are not all monsters. We don't do it purely for convenience. And it tears you to shreds. I wish those feelings upon no one. There is such a bad stigma with it and it's forgotten that we are people too. We have feelings. Sometimes we need a friend during something like that and typically we have no one. If I wasn't on a phone I'd go more into depth. So bring on the hate mail. I promise you I have heard it before. Sometimes it needs to be talked about though, whether you agree or not.
Also if you went through this and need someone to reach out and talk to, I am here.