Bit late but to hell with it.
Was doing online dating quite a few years ago on POF. After quite a few unimpressive dates, I was getting real sick of coffee and walks in the park... so when this dude asks me to maybe instead join him for a "quiet little family barbecue", I think... OK, he's 29, has his own house and car, works full time, shares a lot of hobbies, close to his family, no warning signs... What the fuck, why not? Best case scenario, it's a hilarious story we tell at our wedding. Worst case scenario, it's a hilarious story I tell on the internet.
He picks me up at 5 and drives me to his parent's house. Not the most handsome guy I've met, but not the worst by far - I don't mind a lanky, rail-thin ginger. He reminds me of a crush I had in elementary school.
We get to his parents' place. First off, his family were dog people. Like, really into their dogs. Irish Setters, I think - walls of photos, awards, certificates. The dogs themselves were present and lovely, if not very underfoot and needy. His mom happily boasts that they are purebred. His dad shows me an album of the other dogs they've had in the past.
As it turns out, the "quiet little family barbecue" was actually a "welcome home" party to an aunt, uncle, and cousins of his who had returned from a cruise. They arrived shortly after us, hugging and kissing family as I awkwardly stood in the kitchen sipping a soda. The barbecue was not so much barbecue as it was take-out from some dingy restaurant. Everyone crowded onto the couch (dogs included) to look at photos of Aunt swimming with dolphins and a million different shots of the ocean that all look the same.
At one point my date's uncle turns to me and asks cheerfully, "So I don't think I've see you around! How long have you been dating (guy)? A month?"
After I cheerfully responded, "An hour!", Uncle stopped talking to me.
Eventually my date suggests we go to the basement where it's a bit quieter. His dad has a playstation, he says. Alright, good, I'm tired of watching his mom let the dogs slurp pulled pork off her fingers between her own finger-food bites. He has Fallout 3. I love Fallout 3. I bumble around a bit, we laugh at my horrible grenade throws. At one point his dad comes down ("Just checking up on the lovebirds"), and is shocked when he sees me with a controller in my hands.
"A girl who plays video games! How did you find this one? She seems like a real catch, (date)! Don't let her get away!" He's talking as if I'm not there, baffled that my uterus doesn't prevent me from holding a controller. My date is embarrassed. Dad leaves, we keep playing for a while until the party is over and he takes me home.
Through the whole 'party' thing my dude's been getting more and more anxious. As he pulls up to my apartment he's a bit flushed - I figure he's embarrassed and feels awkward having realized what a weird date we just had. I tell him it was fun, and lean in to peck his cheek. He looks shell-shocked, but turns to look at me with wide-eyed wonder. I can't help but laugh at his deer-in-the headlights look, and figuring the evening can't be any weirder, give him another quick peck on the lips. Like kissing a brick wall - his lips are tense, unmoving. He's in shock.
"I've never kissed a girl before," he mumbles. I remember he is 29. "Well there you go, then," I laugh awkwardly, and crawl out, calling as I go that I'll see him later.
We end up having one more date - I bring brownies to his place and we watch Adventure Time. He trembles like a high-strung chihuahua the whole time, and seems scared to touch me or let me touch him. Not even an arm around the shoulder or anything. I do not give him a goodnight kiss because he looks like he's expecting me to murder him.
There was not another date after that.