This just happened and is still happening... Sorry for the long post, and of course this is a throwaway.
Three weeks ago, my boyfriend of over 14 years tells me he's not in love with me anymore, he's not happy and not sure what he wants but cannot tell me any reasons why. This is out of nowhere as our relationship was good, or so I thought. We rarely fight, our sex life is phenomenal and we're buying a house together at the end of this month. So for me, it's a complete shock to hear this. Obviously, I'm confused and become distraught and an emotional wreck. I start to question him, over and over, but he tells me nothing. All I want are answers, some idea of why he would suddenly do this out of nowhere. He leaves two days later and spends over a week with mutual married friends of ours to think things through.
In this time apart, I receive our phone bill (that I pay) and notice that he is calling and texting a girl that we know. I mean, hundreds of texts and hundreds of minutes of phone calls - leading up to the big announcement and then while he is away. My gut tells me something is wrong. I ask him about it, and he denies that anything is happening that they are just friends catching up (they have known each other since middle school but have been out of touch for over a decade). I'm trying to understand and give him the benefit of the doubt. He tells me I'm paranoid, jealous, crazy, bipolar, a bitch... you name it, I heard it. I felt devastated, I started to question my own sanity and self worth. I stopped eating, started drinking more and became a very sad and confused person.
He comes back a week and half later and asks me to just forgive him and let's forget about it. Says that he will distance himself from this friend because now he thinks that she may want to be more than just friends and he doesn't feel ethical about it because he loves me. First, how does one just forget that the love of their life told them horrible things about who they are and the entire relationship and life they've built and planned together? Well I can tell you it doesn't work. It's impossible to just act like you are not broken inside. Secondly, what in the hell do you mean that she may want to be more than just friends when you've denied any accusation I've made in the last almost two weeks?
So I try. And I fail and pretending. I still want answers, I still need closure and to understand. And then he decides that it's not fair that he should not be friends with this girl because "nothing is happening" and says that they will continue to be friends and that I should get deal with it. Then he downloads snapchat at her request. Wtf?
You know I questioned him about it, and he insists it's just a way for them (now he's including her kid in this, too) to all keep in touch and it won't show up on the bill to make me worry. [[I'd like to say now that typing this out sounds so much more fucked up than it does in my head, well maybe not but reliving the last three weeks in black and white is so hard and my head is royally fucked!]]
So Monday and all day yesterday I put on my detective hat and do some digging. In the end, I find evidence and I bring it up just last night. Suddenly I get the truth. He is falling in love with this old friend from his past but didn't want to hurt me. So they (yes she knew he was falling for her and come to find out most likely has feelings for him, too) decided that they didn't want to hurt me and that there brilliant master plan was to try to not let it get out of hand, since nothing physical has happened, and just keep it a secret and maybe they could just be friends and I wouldn't have to know. Well I was hurt three weeks ago, so that is bullshit.
Seriously. I'm not making this up, I wish I were. He basically was gaslighting me the entire time, manipulating me and hoping that I would just forgive, forget and we would move into the new house and be good again and that he would somehow, suddenly stop having feelings for this other girl, even though they were talking everyday, flirting and what have you. I'm still processing all this information, because even though he broke my heart 3 weeks ago it wasn't until yesterday evening that he finally told me the truth.
The idea, right now, is to work things out since neither of us like the idea of throwing away a 14+ year relationship. I've given an ultimatum, choose one of us. If it's me, which he says it is, then she has to be 100% cut out from his life. If it's her, then I won't beg him to stay but I won't be around anymore because my heart couldn't take it, we could not still be friends, at least not for a very long time.
The day is still young, and I'm still very unsure about what or how this is going to work out. He has to break the news to the other girl today, that is my stipulation. Honestly, at this point I feel very empty inside and void. Like my soul and heart have been ripped open and replaced with a dark abyss. It will take a very long time before I can ever trust him again, let alone trust my own heart.
tl;dr - boyfriend of 14 years falls in love with someone from his distant past, lied over and over, gaslighted me and now still wants to be with me. I'm still processing facts and how I feel. Love is hard.