What's your best high or drunk/buzzed story while at work?

I have never told this story, but why the hell not.

In college I worked for the university police department, I was a civilian, but uniformed and patrolled in a squad car. I would write cold police reports like bike thefts, help with booking of prisoners, etc. It was a fun job for a college guy, basically cruise around and scope out college girls.

One night I'm off duty drinking heavily at the bar, it's 2am and the bar closes and I'm standing on the curb eating a gyro trying to convince drunk girls to come back to my place. While standing there a cop car pulls up, sees me, and the officer waves a friendly hello scaring away all of the girls I was talking to, not that I had a chance with them anyways. So I go over to the cop to shoot the shit and he tells me that there is actually a subpoena waiting for me at the station, and if I go with him to pick it up he will give me a ride home. So I think why the hell not, free ride home, plus there is something fun about being hammered and hopping in a police car. So I get in, people are looking at me wondering WTF is going on and we speed off to the station.

While en route there is a call for a sensor alarm in the steam tunnels. At the university every building is heated by steam, and there are tunnels big enough for people to walk through connecting every single building. Every once in a while drunk people or hobos get down there and set off the alarms. So I'm drunk as shit in the passenger seat and the officer responds lights and siren to the location of the alarm. All the while the dispatcher is giving him updates on where the people are, and he goes tearing across the central grass area of the college to the last alarm location. As we are going 60mph across the lawn we see a hatch open and 10 or so drunk college kids jump out, the cop slams on the brakes skidding to a stop a few feet away from them scaring the shit out of these kids. Half of them stop, and half take off running, the cop turns to me and says "take care of those," motioning to the drunk kids standing there in a daze. I hop out of the squad car (with my civilian bar clothes covered in gyro sauce) and shout "Police! STOP!" The squad car takes off after the running kids and I'm left there in the dark with 5 kids who have no fucking idea who I am or what is going on. Don't forget that I was hammered, so when I got out of the car I really stumbled out, and when I yelled "police" I'm sure I slurred it heavily. So these kids take one look at me and take off running as well, and like a good drunk civilian police employee I take chase after them. So I sprint after them and yell "POLICE, GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!!" This is apparently enough to make them stop, I grab one of them by the collar and order all of them on the ground. We all stand there for a few minutes, me looking scary smelling like rum having trouble standing up, and them looking absolutely terrified because they have no idea what is going on.

Eventually another on duty cop pulls up, they all get arrested, and I get taken to the station because the officer had paperwork to do and couldn't give me a ride home. So I spent the next hour or so drunkenly at the police station hitting on the dispatchers, trying to convince them to ignore the 911 calls and talk with me. I become such a nuisance that a sergeant makes someone drive me home to get me out of there.

I worked the next day, and for the next 4 years, and no one ever spoke of that night.

/r/AskReddit Thread