I feel like I secretly hate him. Or maybe I don't care about him.
He's fat, small, and whenever he's in a conversation with someone he spends the majority of it speaking about himself. I've had to systematically erase many of the things I've learned from him over the years to successfully interact with other people my own age. There is this sticky arrogance that I've been learning to avoid.
I've told myself throughout these years that I have a good connection with him, and I think on the surface I do, but I'm not sure i love him anymore, or ever. To be frank, I've never really needed him. I've only ever needed his money, but more for convenience, he paid for half my college expense, which was excellent of him.
He was pretty mean to me when I was younger, forcing me to play all of the sports that he wanted to be excellent at and hiding it under the guise of trying to improve my social skills. He was also pretty disrespectful to me, I remember at one point, I told him flat out I wasn't going to play in a basketball game and he commented "You'll never be anything when you're an adult." He's struck me a few times, and I was no stranger to being told that I was a loser etc etc. I loved video games you see, and despite introducing me to them, and playing them himself, he would always find a way of making fun of me for it. As I got older and older he started to behave nicer and nicer to me (which reaaaallly pisses me off, because I'd like to smash his face in), its funny how people do this and expect forgiveness. I always liken it to someone torturing me. Imagine being waterboarded by some guy and then asked to love/care about that guy later on in life. I'm not sure about how you all feel about that, but I never forgive anyone who hurts me, no matter how dramatic their redemption.
He was, of course, wrong that I would never amount to anything. I should mention that even after hearing him say that, the urge to show him up was never really an emotion that I felt. Or maybe, subconciously, I've always felt this emotion, and me hiding it has left an imprint on the way I've grown as an adult. To be truthful, I'm not entirely sure. I don't give him much thought, but I can't tell if I'm purposefully not thinking about him, or if I truly just don't give a damn about people.
One of my bigger issues is that, despite liking the company of others, I truthfully don't care one way or another what happens in a friendship or in a relationship. I've never dated anyone, and the closest things to romantic relationships that I've had have had some incredibly negative results.