Here's to hoping nobody in my family goes on here.
I don't know what it is exactly with me, but since the day I discovered porn at 12 years old I've been hypersexual. But I was part of a religious family with a religious circle of friends going to a religious school, so I really had no hope of ever getting laid. Not to mention back at the time I was weird and didn't even know it.
So, to make up for my lack of real-world sucess, I had wild fantasies instead. Then at some point I realized that I had a sister, what if I did it with her? So I started to actually (not-so-subtly) hit on my sister. Then one day I straight up asked her if she wanted to do it with me. Remember how I said we were religious? Well, besides my parents, she was the next most religious person I knew. She was like a second mom to my other younger siblings. She had the purest heart and intentions imagineable. Then I asked her if she was DTF.
I don't remember when that happened in relation to her suicide, I think it was a year to six months beforehand. But that's around the time I imagine she started having anxiety and facing inner demons without telling anyone. She started making mountains out of molehills, such as hating her school with a passion because we had to wear a uniform or freaking out because my dad grounded her from a camping trip her church boyfriend was going to be on.
Now let me back up a bit. My dad kept 3 firearms in the house at the time: two pistols and a .22 rifle. When I discovered them for the first time, I was fascinated. I used to play with them all the time when my parents weren't around because duh, they were guns. Awesome to a 14 year old kid. One day I showed them to my sister, who didn't care much for them but clearly filed that away in her mind.
Fast forward to the day before she did it. Like I said, my dad grounded her from the camping trip. And finally, that was it for her. For the rest of the night she was angry and all she talked about to me was how she was gonna show them by killing herself. She and I discussed different ways a person could do it late into the night. I remember her refusing to tell me when she was gonna do it or how. I remember mentioning to my mom she said she was gonna kill herself. I don't know how I missed the signs. I honestly wasn't taking her seriously.
Next day around 10am she came up to me and asked me how a person would shoot themself in the head and make sure they died. I said probably diagonally through the temple because it would cover the most brain area or something like that. Then I didn't see her for the rest of the day. I think that was actuall the last time I saw her alive. Around 3 that afternoon, she shot herself. Diagonally through the temple, using my dad's pistol I had showed her, after telling me she was going to do it and me not doing a FUCKING THING to stop or help her, and after I had done the fucking unspeakable to her emotionally for a year beforehand.
FUCK. I DESERVE THE LIFE IM LIVING. I SEE IT ALL NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!
Don't make my mistakes.