Oh boy.

I stopped programming about halfway through the year, and never started again. I have three projects unfinished, and I know exactly which skills I need to develop next to turn those into commercial products. I absolutely hate the time I have wasted. It eats me up every day.

But...

Programming is especially stressful for me right now. I have a very young daughter who clings to me because for some months early on in her life, her mom wasn't present. Trying to push your boundaries in a skill that only grows more and more technical and challenging while a little one needs your attention just doesn't work, and momma can not substitute. If little one is here while I program, then it's a struggle to accomplish anything, full stop.

I spent a long time struggling against this arrangement. Her mom doesn't have any marketable skills beyond basic minimum wage stuff, and if we're going to get to a better place financially, then I need to be working right this second toward it. By the time little one is asleep, I'm just too drained.

After mentioning this on a past account on Reddit, somebody chided me for coming across like my child is a burden. I felt that was cruel because I never said any such thing, and I certainly don't feel that way. The person who said that didn't strike me as somebody who has ever tried to program, period, much less with constant interruption.

But I just surrendered. Ultimately, a child's emotional support very early in life determines their stability later. This is more important than having more money. So, I have this weird duality going on. I'm more than happy to do what is best for my child, but I resent being brought to a standstill. And there's no resolution.

Well, little one wins. I just hope my skills don't decay to uselessness by the time I can get started again.