What's your story? (part V)

  1. 30 years
  2. Single

  3. I feel like I’ve known since a young age I was pansexual but didn’t have the words for it. When I was in middle school or high school - MySpace era was big, and so was the “Scene” aesthetic. What’s probably known now as e-girl but much more rough around the edges, ha. There was a lot of gender fluid fashion happening at the time and I felt like I was attracted to (at the time) both men who were more femme presenting and women.

Fast forward through 15 years, I’ve gone on dates with women that never made it past a first date - and was caught up in what I would now identify compulsory heterosexuality. I’ve dated more than a handful of men, and each relationship burned out very quickly. Partly because I was in it for sex, and partly because my mental health was not so great. I always wondered why I didn’t feel like connected to these men on a deeper level. I felt like I was putting on a performance of someone they wanted me to be, but who I didn’t align with deep down. Every time something fizzled, I thought it was something I did wrong that I could never quite understand. One relationship dug me a hole, and I was binge drinking for awhile to cope (not healthy I know, I’m sober now)

My last relationship was one of the best I’ve ever had and the first non emotionally abusive relationship. This person is my best friend, I loved them dearly - and we had to part ways during the pandemic. At one point we even discussed marriage openly. I will never stop caring about them with all of my heart - they are so kind and deserve everything good in this world.

  • however, I always had this feeling in the back of my mind I would feel a guilt or regret not giving myself the chance to date more women in the future. It was such an awkward position for me to be in mentally. I will always care for this person deeply, but as time continues to go on - I’ve been exploring my feelings for women and they keep getting stronger or I’m feeling more certain in my attraction for them.

I’m attracted to some men, but not a large percentage. Some people who are non-binary or trans, and I find myself most excited to date another more femme leaning woman.

  1. I haven’t come out to any family members because I’m a bit fearful of their judgement and reaction (as if I was withholding information from them), I don’t enjoy the idea of answering all of their questions, and I haven’t found a good time to express myself in the way that I want to.

Online with my friends, I’m openly gay.

  1. I go by she/they. Androgynous style. Leaning to the pansexual label still with a higher interest in women.

  2. I’ve had an idea at a young age. I would feel very protective of my gal friends in college (happy to be more assertive and take charge to take care of them when they needed furniture put together or someone to get a spider out of their house) to actively seeking out dates with other women on Okcupid (before hinge existed). I literally had a crush on another coworker who is a woman at my last job. When she dropped me off at my apartment after hanging out at night, I had slightly fantasised that she leaned in to kiss me. She gave off veryyyyy queer vibes but never stated she was into women publicly.

  3. I’ve concluded this for awhile, but it became a lot more “solidified” in my mind when I started coming out fully online and not hiding this side of myself. I enjoy a lot more queer art and film, I watch more queer women in YouTube videos, and I can’t wait to go to my first pride in the future and enjoy it. After I had to separate from my last partner, and realise I had a chance at exploring this side of myself I almost (and it was bittersweet) felt a bit of a relief that I had this opportunity to do so.

  4. Earliest moment - When I kissed another woman when I was in college after a first date and she dropped me off at my apartment. Didn’t see her again because she ghosted me (boo) - but it was exhilarating to me. I stopped dating other women because I was nervous and really scared of what my parents would think if I wasn’t dating a guy.

My mother always assumes I’m dating a guy no matter how obvious it is I’m queer. The way I dress should be a signal. The way I talk about queer culture should be a signal, and the fact I’ve dyed my hair a colour should be another signal - but to her maybe I’m just “quirky” and “artistic” - since I am in a creative field.

  1. I feel amazing about who I am now and feel excited for myself. I’m a bit sad I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and suffering and anxiety when I should have listened to my heart years ago. I was confused and fearful of other peoples judgements. Now that I’m financially independent and hold a good job, I’m also at the age that I couldn’t give two fucks what people think publicly. I’m less fearful of my parents judgement - but I feel, I still hold back telling them because I’m mentally exhausted at the idea or thought of trying to answer all of their questions they may have. When the time is right, I’ll write them a letter - or let them know I have a girlfriend and if they want to meet us for dinner they’re welcome to or not.

It’s been hard to come out to them because I don’t really know their stance on gay people. They don’t talk about it, they’ve never said anything bad, but they have gone out of their way to point out gay tv show characters and stare at men holding hands in public. Or saying things like - “I’m glad they feel comfortable holding hands in public these days.” It’s not mean or bad spirited, but it’s also backhanded and not very tasteful.

I’d like to chalk it up to them being older and their reactions more “generational” but not really knowing their feelings makes me uneasy. I don’t know who they vote for politically so that adds another layer to me feeling uncomfortable.

  1. You will know. Please follow your heart if you’re in a safe space to be able to do so. And I truly wish everyone a happy life, a deep love, and a Beautiful future. Please don’t try to appease other people. You matter, and the best thing you can do is be authentic to yourself. If you need time to figure things out. It’s okay - don’t rush the process. Give yourself a lot of grace and self compassion.
/r/latebloomerlesbians Thread