I've lost a few. The most recent, I should've seen the signs long beforehand. My now fiancé called her to get her thoughts on my engagement ring. First of all, she told me he called her and asked if she should call him back. I of course said yes, because I don't think he would accidentally call her. It's not like they talked enough on the phone for that to happen. Then a few hours later she asked me "What would you do if Fiancé got you a small ring?".
The following weekend I was making plans to stay over at her house and considering bringing some moonshine. In the process of making these plans she said "I have something to tell you on the 26th. I can't do it now but I will then." What I didn't know at the time is that my fiancé asked her to please not drink with me because he didn't want her to end up telling me about the engagement.
So I end up coming over to her house and she was drunk. She finally told me what my fiancé had said to her and wanted to know why he was treating her " like a child". I started to catch on to what was happening but didn't want to push it because I truly wanted my engagement to be a surprise (who doesn't?). She kept bringing it up throughout the night.
Once my fiancé proposed he told me the story about how he confided her and asked her not to drink with me because he was already nervous and this was a big deal for us. It really hurt me to see how hurt he was by my "best friend". The engagement took place on Christmas and I wanted to tell my family first. We didn't get to see them until about 2 days after Christmas. Once I told them, I posted it to Facebook and got a message from her asking what was wrong and why I didn't ask her about her first Christmas without her dad (he passed away a few months prior). Now, I probably could have/should have addressed this sooner but I was in the moment and enjoying my engagement.
I finally responded to her letting her know how I felt about the situation. I explained that he told me he told her what he did and why and that I believe it was selfish for her to make such a big deal out of him asking her not to drink with us because I never would've treated the situation in that way. She didn't apologize, admit she was wrong or anything. That hurt even more than the original issue.
After that, I started to realize all the times before where there was evidence that she only put herself first. For example, I frequently would go to visit her and she lives by my grandparents. I typically would make time to visit all of them during my time there but often felt bad leaving her house to go see them ( It should be the other way?). I had plans to visit her one weekend and then during the week my grandpa went to the hospital where he was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. So naturally, I told her I was going to stop by and see him during my visit and probably wouldn't stay with her all weekend like the original plan. She was furious because she was my "second option" and told me not even to come since she wasn't my priority. This is just one example. There are several other events.
I know you might think that this is behavior is a result of her losing her dad, which I am sure some of it is. However, some of this behavior was already there before that, it just simply escalated after. I had been there for her when he passed, I went to calling hours, always talked to her and even planned a spa girls weekend at her house and provided all the things we needed for it. So it's not like I was completely ignoring that she had lost him.
She finally apologized last week through a message on Facebook and immediately started making plans for us to hang out (asking me to come see her when she gets her tattoo, inviting me to her daughters birthday). I do miss the friendship but I don't miss the one-sided effort or the drama. So now I am currently trying to figure out how to balance that relationship or if it's even worth trying to balance.
I told her that even though I have forgiven her it doesn't mean that I can forget it because it was such a huge moment in my life which was impacted negatively by my "best friend". She said she understands but she's going to keep trying. It's only been a few days and I've already noticed that it is still sort of all about her. I've lost 2 grandparents over the past week, had some issues with my little brother that I would rather not mention to reddit. It would be nice to be able to talk to someone about that but when I do try to talk to her she doesn't say too much or goes right back to her drama with her girlfriend (which is another story and I believe, not as serious).
She has reddit and she might see this but I can't say that I care because maybe she needs to see it from my side again.