No one is going to see this but maybe it'll be cathartic for me to write it out I don't know. It's a needlessly long story, in all honesty.
I'm not a stud or anything but as an average, run-of-the-mill dude, I had a decently steady stream of encounters and 'relationships' with women from highschool through to my masters (just finished last month : D). Hopefully I don't come off as I'm bragging, I'm really not. Just an average young person trajectory, I think.
But something I was (and still am) really self-conscious about is the fact that I've never been in a real relationship. Like one that lasts more than a month or two, where you go on vacation together, meet their parents/ friends, really get to know one another. Saying I love you and shit. I just couldn't get that far. Sometimes I'd run out of interest or she would, I just can't get it to work. Sooner or later this really developed into gnawing insecurity for me. "Maybe they find out the real me and don't want to be with me anymore? I knew I was a fraud". That kind of deal.
When I got to my MA, I sort of developed a weird thing with this really beautiful girl. Everyone was into her, which included myself and somehow I convinced her to be with me. Really early on in the relationship she told me how much she wanted 'this' to be a real thing and for it to go long-term. Was pretty stoked, but in my excitement at the chance at a real relationship with this attractive person, I missed the red flags she literally spelt out in bold, black text for me.
One night she told me "stevenjk, I have this really bad habit of just... falling out of romance. I can't help it but I've hurt a lot of dudes like this. Are you ok with that?" Of course I said yes, because I'm a moron. This was a big one but there are a few more, I willingly neglected.
Her insatiable appetite for male attention. She would often complain about how some rando was messaging her but she would always ALWAYS make an effort to string every single one of them along.
Constant communication with all of her ex-boyfriends
Serious daddy issues
Drinking and driving
Past history of cheating on her partners
Now I know what you're thinking. "This dude must be a fucking moron" and you'd be right! Each of those red flags in any other circumstance would be an abort mission situation, but in my infatuation with this lady and her tacit promise to a relationship, I just wasn't myself.
You're not going to believe this, but this all ended terribly. A month in, she woke up one morning and just wanted nothing to do with me. She left me stranded on a bridge somewhere to go see a friend. She didn't exactly dump me, but I read the tea leaves. I texted her that it was over and that was that.
This was a year ago and I'm still embarrassed thinking about my conduct. And when she pseudo-dumped me, it really took a toll on my mental health. I'm better now, but still haven't been in a relationship, lol.
Thanks for listening.