A week or 2 back.

I woke up feeling like shit. I got up and used the restroom per normal. Played some multiplayer games for half an hour. Catastrophically failed. Then got bored.

I then proceeded to recall the previous night. When I confessed that I had gotten really mentally fucked up when my best friend molested me all those years ago.

I took a look at some old papers I wrote for a class, hoping my top of the class essays would bring me some relief as I saw my achievements.

Instead, my only thoughts were how I could have improved them. Eventually, I looked at everything in my life and just saw "You could have done better you idiot." Or "You could have avoided event easily you worthless shitbag"

Looked at my mantle where I saw my knives. Picked up a sharp boxcutter and considered taking it to myself. Eventually I put it in my pocket, got in my car, and drove to archery practice,

Couldn't stop feeling like crap for the rest of the day. Eventually went home and got into bed. Cried as I recalled what happened. Cried as I almost broke my promise to never let the depression get physical.