Unfortunately you can’t control how anyone chooses to perceive, or feel about, your actions. I think in those sorts of situations you need to fall back on your own values, and weigh up the cost to you vs the benefit to them.

The problem is in the sentence “…and all you want is [for them (I assume?)] to love you back”. Is that really all you want? If it is, it’s easy. You do whatever it takes. That’s the strategy that many of us have been following, and which has brought us here.

If you also want some other things: freedom, self respect, self esteem, integrity, authenticity, for example - then you need to stop doing whatever it takes, and start doing what you need instead. If you keep abandoning yourself (your values and needs) because other people don’t like them, you’re going to be left with nothing.

I don’t think it’s idealistic to think of love as a verb. On the contrary, I think it’s very realistic, practical even. Anyone who’s been in a long term relationship knows that no matter how close you are there are days, weeks even, when you’re not feeling it. But if you want your relationship to survive, you still step up to the plate and give your partner support and care. Not because you’re forced to but because your current state of mind is not their problem. If your partner breaks an arm, you accompany them to the ER even if you’re sick of their way of putting toilet paper backwards on the holder.

If you’re both at the mercy of each others moods the whole time there is no commitment, there is nothing bigger than yourselves being built. We can’t just act out our emotions the whole time. Feel them, absolutely, but we can’t let them dictate our actions. That’s what toddlers do. Adults need to be able to feel one thing and do another. In fact, I’d bet a large portion of the parental failure that put many of us in the position we’re in now was due to not being able to separate feelings and actions.