I think you're on to something. For a while, it seemed like my mother's gaslighting wasn't really gaslighting because it was over the most random shit that had nothing to do with manipulation.

For example, she asked me why I still had my sports car after moving to the Northeast. I asked her, "Why wouldn't I keep it?" She said, "Because you said you were getting and SUV because it was safer." I never said anything like that. I've always hated SUVs for their sheer size. I don't feel like I can control them. However, she distinctly remembers this conversation.

Soon after, that, I had a strange conversation with my aunt. She asked me why I didn't invite them to my graduation.

I was in the middle of about a 4 year break from college. I always intended to go back, but due to financial and stress reasons, worked full time for a bit.

I said to her, "Because I never graduated." She said, "Then why did your mother say you graduated?" I replied, "You go ask her that and tell me what she says."

When I confronted my mom about this, she said my aunt "wouldn't understand these types of things."

There were a few just other weird, random things - asked me how my Mandarin classes were going (never once had the desire to take Mandarin classes), asked if I was enjoying going to a Buddhist temple (haven't stepped in one in decades), etc.

At that point, I developed a theory. I had moved across the country and her control over me was pretty much nothing at that point. I still had contact, though. A reasonable person would try to at least keep contact going. However, she decided to double down on the crazy. I think she started making up this narrative about how I was the Good Son to relatives. That was the script. Despite all her obstacles, she managed to raise the Perfect Asian Son. The gaslighting were probably things she spun and seriously believed.