The feelings come and go but they are predominately in meditation. It is the only time I've ever felt "peaceful". I've had times I've felt in awe by beauty or nature but I've never felt like it brought me peace really. The physical world to me is nothing, it is temporary, and it offers no "satisfaction". When I meditate on emptiness and imagine the darkness of creation, or the darkness of dissolution, I feel true peace. I have a hard time relating to others and I've spent the majority of my life alone, contemplating the nature of pretty much everything. I don't have a job and I dedicate all of my time to either making art, music, and poetry for Devi Maa and then destroying it- reading spiritual texts from all different religions, learning about people and politics and psychology, and then meditating in contemplation of it all. I feel no desire but I'm not free from suffering or attachments to living things, only non-living things.

When I was 8 I was very sensitive and I dedicated myself to animal liberation and developed a deep a wish for all beings to be free from suffering. I didn't become religious or spiritual in any way until I was about 19 and I am still, only 25.

When I picked up the spiritual path my initial wish was to obtain enlightenment so I would never have to live another life again. The world seemed confusing and cruel and absurd to me. A few years ago during meditation, the first time I felt the nothingness feeling, my pet cats were sitting in my lap (they always do when I meditate) and I wished to become a boddhisattva for animals. To return to life until all beings, not just humans, were free. I realized it was selfish to wish for moksha for myself alone.

This is the first time I've ever shared this with people. I keep almost everything I do a secret but I've come to a point where I feel like I must come out of my "hermit" mode and back to people and try to form relationships again. I've got questions I can't seem to answer without seeing if there are others with a shared perspective. I live in Canada and I was born and raised a westerner with no religion or family or community to support or guide me. I've been on the hunt for my teacher for awhile now but I feel like perhaps my teacher is Devi Maa herself and I don't need a human- but my communications with Devi Maa cannot be validated empirically so I need a human perspective.