I got hit a lot until I was 12, and the excuse being I was naughty. I got hit by my kindergarten teacher, and primary school tutor. When I told my mother to confront them, they would deny they did so, making me look like an even more cheeky lying boy. Didn't know how to stand up for myself, everything swept under the rug. Guess it wouldn't have made a difference since I got hit a lot by my mother, I remembered the time she cut a single piece of chilli open, put it over a flame to get the juices out and forced them on my mouth, rubbing it all over. She did that because I was talking back. Looking back now, I really don't think I was a bad kid. I can't lie, don't steal, never bully (got bullied, told mom, mom found it annoying, got scolded). I get scared, sudden panic, hate myself, angry, vengeful, and low self-esteem. Go to school with cane marks on hands and legs, and my friends would indirectly ask what caused them knowing those were cane marks and proceeded to make fun of me. I uncomfortably laugh along with them knowing that is probably the only way to walk it off. Depression hit when I was 16 but only became apparent to me when I was 18. School ends, lost all my friends and it got worse. At times I really fucking hate myself, so fucking weak. Sometimes I think I'd be better of dead and no one would even notice. When I realised by best friend has stopped contacting me I was at my lowest. But I knew no one owes me anything, but I also know my reaction to the situation is normal, so I guess I still have some sense in me. So yeah dota drowns all the bullshit, cuz atleast im not thinking about killing myself all the time or how useless i am. Putting this out here so that I can have some kind of release and also no one knows who i am here. Thanks for reading if you did manage to read all of that.