I realized that in order to cope and consistently take the proper medications, I need to believe that I have an incurable chemical imbalance. I'm not dead sure.

I went undiagnosed for a while because my parents and a few professionals thought I was simply strange and oppositional. At a very young age, I was identified as 'gifted' - I scored 150+ on IQ assessments. I had many characteristics typical of gifted children - vivid imagination, strong sense of justice, intense feelings and reactions, insight, advanced learning and comprehension skills. That drove a wedge between my peers and me, and I became frustrated with the limitations of being a child and having to get along with other children. For most of my childhood and adolescence, I was sort of a live wire but hypercommitted to my schoolwork. My family members did their best to live with my erratic behavior and mood swings, and I think we all just assumed I was being underserved at school. I picked up a slew of compulsions, anxieties, and insecurities along the way. I doubt the diagnosis because it's tricky to differentiate between a chronic disorder and a reaction to the environment. Over the years, the meds have dulled my cognitive abilities, and my illness holds me back from performing to my potential. I wish I could know how much of my illness can be attributed to genetics.