Men.

I have developed this jaded view of men. I've tried to type this story several times but I've erased it each time. Since it would be a long post, I'll summarize and I can add more details if anyone reads this and is curious. Had to skip over many parts.

Who is someone in your life that has actually made you a worse person? My "ex" and my fear was recently fully reinforced with my dad.

Ex: *Coworker, previously married, 1 young kid. Me: Young, naive, never married, no kids.

I let my guard down to begin dating an older coworker. While we were in initial stages of dating, On our 1st vacation which happened to be a cruise, he told me had hacked/been through my phone. He had seen "everything" and he has access. By everything he meant photos, messages, phone calls, the whole shebang. I couldn't escape. Trapped, stuck on a boat, in a cabin, with someone who betrayed you...

Fast forward...

• My narcisistic software developer ex hacked my phone, kept it secret, all the while playing 21 questions questions with me BEFORE revealing it to me when I couldn't flee while on our first "couples" cruise vacation.
• Weeks later, when using his laptop for work, I accidentally found out about a previous affair with a lady in his home country while married/through separation after typing in my nickname which I used as a unique identifier. PLOT TWIST: He had given us the same nickname (i.e. my name is Lucille, family calls me Lucy, he called me something like Lucky...hard to give an example without actual name). This discovery led me to put on my Nancy Drew hat and I found out that he had at least 1 CONFIRMED OTHER kid in Canada PLUS a potential other family/life in Europe with consistent funds being sent over...I really won't be surprised if he has more in his home country (where he had the 1 affair). Ex-wife didn't know about the extra kids. Turns out she knew about some affairs.

My parents have been married 30+ years. Last thanksgiving, I found out my dad is having/had an affair with a woman who had been in our house (when I wasn't there). My mom had entertained her a guest. I wonder if she knew. A part of me understands that she may have known. I'm not sure which is worse. I'd heard things growing up and picked up a weird dynamic between my dad and his secretary but I didn't know any better. This wasn't confirmed until 10+ years later after we had moved....but this just hit home. There was no denying it. I learned how badly he wanted a son (he has only girls and my mom can't have any more kids after 4 girls and a hysterectomy). It really killed a part of me. I can't fully explain it. The betrayal I feel each time I think about it, each time the words replay in my mind hurts. A part of me now wonders, if I can't look up to my dad for hope of a good man paired with my recent experiences just kill me. I also wonder if I have siblings out there that I may not know about. I can't bring myself to talk about it. He doesn't know I know.