My dad started coming to see me every weekend or so. I'm about 15. His third marriage has just failed and he's alone. My dad is far better off than my mom and though he's a narcissist too at least he's not fucking psychotic. My dad is a "leave me alone" kind of N, not a total nut-job like my mom. He's actually pretty fucking sharp and knows how the world works, hell he's a mechanical engineer. So I'll overlook his kind-of assholish and sorta opinionated personality in order to live with him over her.

At least I'll be left alone and not hit and abused every goddamn day.

So I finally snap. I've had enough.

I lived with this woman for as long as I could remember. I have wanted to kill myself. I have wanted to kill other people. I have wished ill on the entire world, and want us all to die in hellfire, and release us from the decayed wretched world. I am THROUGH. I don't CARE anymore about "consequences".

I've been getting beat-up in school and the teachers don't care. They hate me and I'm the one to get detention constantly. They called it ISS, in school suspension. I'd be in there about two-thirds of the whole fucking year. In the end the ISS teacher liked me more than any of my "actual" teachers and actually took my side on things more than they ever did, she thought it was insane that they'd throw me in for just about anything. And, by the way, I was actually expelled by the principal during summer school. He actually yelled profanities and said he never wants to fucking see me again. And the superintendent took his side when my mom, being who she is, tried to take it to higher-ups.

At this point I've already had the police at school talk to me over death threats, before the expulsion I mean. I was in very violent fights, ones where I was nearly choked out of consciousness and such. My peers all hated me THAT much. And they would laugh as someone would assault me, watching, laughing.

I wanted to see everyone I know violently murdered. I wanted an army to invade our country and rape, kill, and burn everyone. I wanted all the houses to be toppled, the people to be shot dead on sight, ripped apart by animals, or grinded to dust against the floor.

I just didn't care anymore. I wanted to die. I gave up all hope of ever having a happy life. I knew I was either going to die or end up in prison and live a drawn-out life of being hated and mocked. I knew I was simply born to live a horrible life of torture. I dunno what I did in my past life, but it must've been just the worst.

On that day I said I'm leaving. She tries to physically block me. I look in her in the eyes and tell her "You can't control me anymore". She stays there. I tear her away from the door and throw her into a pile of her junk. She throws stuff at me. I finally shove her down, to the point she can hardly breathe and say that next time I won't just hurt her, I'll kill her, and I'll do it happily.

My dad got me that day. My mom clearly never wanted to see me again because she put all of my stuff out front. Good. Farewell, you useless whore of a mother. Go die in your hole of self-pity.

My dad took me to China with him later in life. I started living a more plush lifestyle. But boy, I could never relate to these posh international kids - they don't fucking get it. That said, I'm glad, at least they just talked shit about me and didn't attack me physically.

I never once dated anyone in high school, though I liked some I never brought myself to say anything except to one girl who it just made things awkward with.

Never once joined any group or extracurricular activity. Never once had a circle of friends. Never once.. most things. And I graduated two years late with terrible grades.

I think I can say with confidence that my life has not been ideal. However, it also helped me to mature more than most people. I have a perspective most people simply cannot understand, and I usually don't try to communicate it either because it's hopeless to try.

I look at the world from outside now. I am not an American, I don't even feel human. I look up at the stars at night and just think of how tiny everything is... and how badly I despise the world as it stands. I just want to get away from it. I want to either get out of it or for it to be completely reset, wiped clean and started over. Other than that, I have almost no opinions of this Earth.

I have lived both as poor and rich. Well, Middle-Class, or maybe Upper Middle-Class anyway I guess. Point being, two very different angles.

I grew up alone. I am still alone. I don't really feel too much like I want to be anyone's friend either. I guess a part of me does... but I best not waste anyone's time.

I am a cold person at heart and though I pretend to have a sense of humor I really don't.

My past has developed me into being a very blunt, straight-forward individual that only partakes in conversations that has some kind of point to it. If I like someone, I say it the moment I meet them pretty much. I got tired of being shy and being fucked over.

I've become a pretty merciless person. I am tired of being bullied and pushed around. I HATE my former self who didn't do enough fighting back. Now, if someone messes with me, I'm likely to do far more than just hurt them. I'll do a lot of damage and fully enjoy myself.

And I think I don't love anyone or anything really. I feel no attachment to anyone. My own family can die and, though I'd have some memories and stuff to reflect on and feel a little bad, I certainly wouldn't be devastated by any means.

I feel like... a person that just isn't connected to anything in this world. I am not bound to anyone. I do not love anyone. I do not feel warmth or see a light at the end of whatever tunnel. I just "exist", and I will kill anyone that threatens my life for that is my instinct.