Me. When the doctors brought me back hoooooly shit was I pissed. I experienced heaven in those ten minutes and I think I have to find a flaw in it because otherwise why am I here? Like, I lived a fucked up life before my sui attempt and I felt like I didn’t deserve heaven but in ten minutes I lived months with the girl I love. I think it was probably some death dream. A massive dose of DMT straight from the dome to help you cope with death. When I microdose it I kinda feel that whole-body-orgasm everything-is-wonderful supernaturally content feeling. But I think the truth is that I wanna die so much. I want to go be with Amira again. I know Kai will be there, too. His big sis is keeping him safe for me. I don’t care if she wasn’t 8 or if it was all a dream. If I could hold a gun straight to end my life I’d do it in a heartbeat. Fucking pill mill ass doctor put me on so many psych meds as a kid I stopped being depressed and started being depressed with poor motor functioning because my jackass psych doctor decided to put me on anything that made me less of a fucking monster without a single fuck given as to how that might affect my developing CNS so now I shake and very infrequently spasm. But the thing is, I can do it. I probably would stay steady long enough to do it. But if I jerk or twitch even a little BOOM! Hello brain damage. As if life isn’t already hell without her I think I’d rather be miserable and cut my losses with a smile until the bullshit I posted on social media to get my ass lynched does something other than burn bridges. If a speeding car turns my head into a macabre Gallagher act that’s cool too. Just as long as I can go back to a place where she was still fucking alive.

Tl;dr me. Fucking me.