My first girlfriend. I was depressed. My depression began to become her depression. I knew that the best thing for her would be for us to not be together. I was toxic. I wouldn't have been able to handle her cheating on me or breaking up with me so I broke up with her. It took me three times to break up with her and really make it stick and I pushed her away ever since.

I didn't realize how much she meant to me until I had a recent drug induced psychotic episode where I hallucinated all kinds of weird shit and thought I was in some eternal struggle with some kind of god or AI over morality and the meaning of life or something like that. Anyways 2 weeks after I got out of jail I had time to process my feelings and I came to realize how much i really love her and how much she loved me. It was the first time I knew true heartbreak and I wound up having to do a short little stay at a mental hospital.

She's married now and has a daughter. I pray she's happy and that I really did do the best thing for her. It makes me very sad and angry to think how things could have been different.