This is one of the main things I've been reflecting on lately. I've been alternating between guilt and indifference when thinking of the relationship with my pwBPD which is much better than the months of anger. I'll get into a good mental state of acceptance and generally just showing signs that I've moved on and then WHAM the entire next day I just feel guilty for the toxic behaviors that I did display. The thing is, generally people give victims of abuse a lot more leeway for how they acted because of the constant fight or flight mode they were in. They couldn't think rationally. I just can't seem to apply that same principle to myself. Maybe that's from low self esteem?

She broke up with me and then less than a week later wanted to get back together. We did but from then on she refused to talk to me at all about our relationship and just grew insanely distant. This put me in a perpetual state of confusion. I wanted to know what was going on! We'd agreed to start back up, why are you acting like I don't exist? From this point on is when I started showing toxic behavior. Acting like I was a changed person and apologizing a lot in an effort to goad an actual discussion about our relationship. Obviously she was trying to invoke these kinds of toxic behaviors to use as an excuse to just block me and remove me from her life. If I were to talk to her today, she might use these behaviors as examples of how shitty I am. Knowing all of this, why can't I just accept the principle that we do irrational things while enduring abusive behaviors? I know that her contempt came first but I still have days where I just feel incredibly guilty and shameful.