ESH Please consider making it clear that you would prefer only your son attend events. Likely he'll stay with his wife but it's possible that she will understand and he'll attend alone.

More importantly, you'll be telling him that you love him even if you don't support his decisions and can't stand his spouse.

DIL sucks for being so closed off and limiting.

You suck for wanting to cut off your son. You have to decide how much you love your son. Is it unconditional?

Your son sucks because he isn't working harder to see you on his own. He loves her and is doing his best to make their relationship work. Even if that means not having visitors.

DILs behavior could be mental illness, neuro divergence, or even narcissistic abuse (controlling/isolating the partner) but without knowing the root, I can only encourage you to not cut off your own blood for minor discomfort.